Question

Can someone take a look at this? It's for my descriptive writing portfolio.

(Yes I am aware I repeat a lot of words lol.)


As I enter the kitchen, I get a generous whiff of the fresh ocean breeze. As I am walking in, I see a black oven and a silver sink with a few dishes inside. I remind myself, later on, to tell my sister to wash the dishes. I walk over to the dark wooden cabinets and grab a grainy tan sanded cup with tiny yellow and red flowers. I wander over to the kitchen sink, humming my favorite tune. I turn the faucet handle to the right, to turn on the cold water. I fill my cup about halfway up and turn off the water. I tiptoe to our black microwave and put the cup inside on the clear tray. I close the door with the silver handle and click 2 for two minutes. I walk over to the back door, looking to see if my noisy neighbor's dogs are outside. I open the white glass door, and step outside, touching my feet on a spiky brown rug, I make a noise to attract the dogs. I hear barking and the little kids next door playing with their toy trucks and swinging on the blue and yellow swings. I hear the birds singing and the woodpeckers pecking at the wood. I hear the breeze hitting my eardrums ever so slightly. The dogs run up to the fence line, so I know I have to go back inside and now know that I won’t be able to let my puppies out until their dogs go inside. As I enter back inside, the two minutes are up and the microwave sounds off a high-pitched beep, notifying me that my tea is done. I reach into one of our cabinets and grab a tea bag out of a gold wrapping. I then undo the packaging of the teabag and set it into my cup with boiling water. I take the cup out of the microwave and close the door with the other hand. I then walk over to our coffee maker and open one of the drawers under it and grab out a spoon, I then stick the spoon into the cup and press the spoon down onto the bag to extract the oils from the tea faster. I grab a teaspoon of sugar, pour it into the cup, and repeat it one more time. I grab the honey and pour whatever amount seems enough to me. I stir up tea, hearing a bell-like sound from the spoon clinking against the glass. I walk past the microwave, over to where our xanthic plastic trash can is and I throw away my trash. I look at the window just above it, I open the blinds and see fresh green grass, clean concrete roads, and cars driving by. I close the blinds and walk away.

Answer 1

I had to put it from my sister's point of view but also in the first person. As if I were her writing or doing the actions.

Answer 2

I am aware this is also really bad too. Lol.

Answer 3

god

Answer 4

What I will be removing, redo-ing, and editing.



Redo the first line - A strong scent of the cool beach breeze greets mea s I walk into the kitchen
.
Redo - I tiptoe to our black microwave to = I tiptoe over to our black microwave and place the cup on the transparent tray inside.

Remove- I won’t be able to let my puppies out until their dogs go inside.
I have to go back inside since the dogs are approaching the fence line.

Edit- Letting me know my tea is ready as I return to the kitchen.

Edit - In order to extract the tea’s oils quicker, I move over to our coffee machine, open a drawer under neath it, take out a spoon, stick it into the cup, and press down on the bag with the spoon.

Edit- I take some honey and pour what I deem to be sufficient.

Edit- I proceed beyond the microwave and place my trash in the xanthic-colored plastic trash can.

Answer 5

remove

Answer 6

The full edited version with everything I mentioned up there done.

A strong scent of the cool beach breeze greets me as I walk into the kitchen. As I am entering, I see a black oven and a silver sink with a few dishes inside. I remind myself, later on, to tell my sister to wash the dishes. I walk over to the dark wooden cabinets and grab a grainy tan sanded cup with tiny yellow and red flowers. I wander over to the kitchen sink, humming my favorite tune. I turn the faucet handle to the right, to turn on the cold water. I fill my cup about halfway up and turn off the water. I tiptoe over to our black microwave and place the cup on the transparent tray inside. I close the door with the silver handle and click 2 for two minutes. I walk over to the back door, looking to see if my noisy neighbor's dogs are outside. I open the white glass door, and step outside, touching my feet on a spiky brown rug, I make a noise to attract the dogs. I hear barking and the little kids next door playing with their toy trucks and swinging on the blue and yellow swings. I hear the birds singing and the woodpeckers pecking at the wood. I hear the breeze hitting my eardrums ever so slightly. As I approach the back door, the two minutes are up and the microwave sounds off a high-pitched beep, notifying me that my tea is done as I return to the kitchen. I reach into one of our cabinets and grab a tea bag out of a gold wrapping. I then undo the packaging of the teabag and set it into my cup with boiling water. I take the cup out of the microwave and close the door with the other hand. In order to extract the tea oils quicker, I shuffle slowly over to our coffee machine, open a drawer underneath it, take out a spoon, stick it into the cup and press down on the bag with the spoon. I grab a teaspoon of sugar, pour it into the cup, and repeat it one more time. I grab the honey and pour what I deem to be sufficient. I stir up tea, hearing a bell-like sound from the spoon clinking against the glass. I proceed beyond the microwave and place my trash in the xanthic-colored plastic trash can, and I throw away my trash.When I lift the blinds on the window directly above it, I can see clear, concrete roads, lush, green grass, and passing cars. I draw the shades closed and leave.

Answer 7

I reread through what I had just posted and there were only a few things I had to remove Other than that I think I did well, I might turn it in now.