I'm writing my own short-ISH story. What do you guys think?

Question

GlamorousGoddess · Answer

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

Bradley223 · Answer

thats a nice story so far

D3AD4YOU · Answer

Its very bland and fast paced. You need to create more suspense and leading events. It is good tho

Luigi0210 · Answer

Sounds like it could be a good abstract for a longer story.

Alexis1415 · Answer

Very good so far, make sure to add on a ton more to make it more impactful, and spread out some of the action.

BrokenMoon · Answer

I like your idea so far. Great summary. Would love to see the final product

chuckthedonut · Answer

I think that sounds cool. I would love to read it when it's done. Tag me when it's complete, nice jobbb !! <3

RodrigoGuevara · Answer

Well, you gave a description of your story and haven't actually given us chapter samples, so I can't fully critique as of yet.  However, it sounds like a basic teen drama romance.  What makes it stand out from others?  Also, why in the world is this such a common storyline?  The girl has the option between staying with a dude in a toxic relationship, or going with a guy that cares about her and has felt that way for awhile.  It's a really easy decision.

Shadow · Answer

@glamorousgoddess wrote:

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

This reads more like a story synopsis (story summary) than a chapter. I would encourage you to try out some scenes with dialogue, setting, and action. For example, you could write a scene where Lena is walking through the school hallway along the way to the band room, tracing her fingers over a painted shark (the school mascot) along the wall. It adds imagery to the story. And while she's tracing her finger over the teeth, fins, tail, etc, you can reveal her inner thoughts and conflicts about the two boys she's interested in.

YouMyPlug · Answer

@shadow wrote:

@glamorousgoddess wrote:

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

This reads more like a story synopsis (story summary) than a chapter. I would encourage you to try out some scenes with dialogue, setting, and action. For example, you could write a scene where Lena is walking through the school hallway along the way to the band room, tracing her fingers over a painted shark (the school mascot) along the wall. It adds imagery to the story. And while she's tracing her finger over the teeth, fins, tail, etc, you can reveal her inner thoughts and conflicts about the two boys she's interested in.

I agree.

Vixen · Answer

@shadow wrote:

@glamorousgoddess wrote:

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

This reads more like a story synopsis (story summary) than a chapter. I would encourage you to try out some scenes with dialogue, setting, and action. For example, you could write a scene where Lena is walking through the school hallway along the way to the band room, tracing her fingers over a painted shark (the school mascot) along the wall. It adds imagery to the story. And while she's tracing her finger over the teeth, fins, tail, etc, you can reveal her inner thoughts and conflicts about the two boys she's interested in.

I think she meant "what do you think of the idea of the book" obviously there's no real way to send an entire book via the chat section in the format of a book. She'd have to attach the file.

Outcast · Answer

I gotta say, it is really good

Shadow · Answer

@vixen wrote:

@shadow wrote:

@glamorousgoddess wrote:

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

This reads more like a story synopsis (story summary) than a chapter. I would encourage you to try out some scenes with dialogue, setting, and action. For example, you could write a scene where Lena is walking through the school hallway along the way to the band room, tracing her fingers over a painted shark (the school mascot) along the wall. It adds imagery to the story. And while she's tracing her finger over the teeth, fins, tail, etc, you can reveal her inner thoughts and conflicts about the two boys she's interested in.

I think she meant "what do you think of the idea of the book" obviously there's no real way to send an entire book via the chat section in the format of a book. She'd have to attach the file.

I see. That's fair. My response would be that it's difficult to give my opinion on a synopsis beyond "that's interesting" or "I would read that." I think when a story reaches its writing stage, you begin to see its working parts and if it can pan out well. tl;dr I'm encouraging her to write it :)

5StarFab · Answer

@glamorousgoddess wrote:

Lena, the new girl in school, catches the attention of the popular jock, Brandon. They start dating, but soon Lena realizes that Brandon is emotionally distant and doesn't care about her feelings. Meanwhile, Jake, the school's talented musician, has had a crush on Lena since the first day she arrived. Lena confides in Jake about her troubles with Brandon and the two get closer as they work on music together. But their budding romance faces obstacles as Brandon becomes jealous of Jake and tries to drive a wedge between the two. Lena must choose between staying in a toxic relationship or taking a chance on someone who truly cares for her. Amidst the drama, friendships are tested, secrets are revealed, and hearts are broken.

What i think about it? i think it should have been written a tad more differently like lena suspects bradon is cheating and tries to find some evidence to prove it.

Wanderlust · Answer

Interesting for sure

Wanderlust · Answer

If you label this as the story then it needs help

Wanderlust · Answer

If not and it's a summary then it's a stunning idea fs