I wrote a short story called, "Brothers Forever". Tell me what you think.

Question

OLIVER69 · Answer

Part One:
It Was Late at night and Bamby was up late studying for a big history test, he couldn't concentrate cause he kept falling asleep. He stops momentarily and walks out of his room and towards the kitchen to make coffee while waiting for the tea pot to boil. he starts thinking about his fiancé and their wedding it makes him happy and smiling. Suddenly he heard a door knocking on the front door, Bamby perked up a little but was a little hesitant at first but he slowly walked over to the front door and he lightly touches the door knob. He asked who it was and the person behind the other side of the door sounded normal as soon as Bamby opened the door the person in front of the door way was wearing all black with a full-on Japanese mask to cover the face and he was holding a pizza box and a gun, without hesitation the guys triggered the gun and shot bamby on the side of his stomach. Everything went so fast that baby didn't have time to react or move, his eyes widened with shock and he fell to the ground while the bad guy ran off leaving Bamby on the ground lying on his blood.

OLIVER69 · Answer

Part Two:
Since Romeo was the oldest brother, he didn't have to study anymore since he was out of school completely. He didn't want to disturb his brother, since he knew he still needed to study, but would help him with anything. Romeo was texting Chi and factiming him. They were laughing, so he didn't hear his brother get up and go to the kitchen to make some tea, but not even five minutes later he heard a gunshot, staying on the phone with Chi as he ran down to the front door to see his brother covered in his blood. Tears running down his face, he put his brother in his arms, as Romeo told Chi to hang up and call 911. He was holding his brother, not caring about the brother as he was sobbing and speaking, "Bam-Bam, please stay with me. Hold on a bit longer." The ambulance came as it took both of them to the hospital and they took his brother into surgery, Romeo paced back in fourth in the waiting room, where Chi was comforting him too after arriving a bit later, wondering if his brother was okay.

Bubblezz · Answer

I love it dad nice work

snowie · Answer

It's amazing dad, very good job

y2kmwah · Answer

nice...

Uniful3 · Answer

amazing <3

sxlvergxge · Answer

The Way You Describe Actions is great! But adding more detail about how it feels to do something, or a more in depth telling of what a person or character is doing can make the story feel even more human.

Another tip! Describe the bad guy/antagonist of the story with a specific trait! If a character runs into their rival, there must be one specific or multiple specific details that make them their rival! In this case, a descriptive feature of the bad guy!

Other than that I think it's a really nice story!

euphoriiic · Answer

Coolio..

OLIVER69 · Answer

@sxlvergxge wrote:

The Way You Describe Actions is great! But adding more detail about how it feels to do something, or a more in depth telling of what a person or character is doing can make the story feel even more human. Another tip! Describe the bad guy/antagonist of the story with a specific trait! If a character runs into their rival, there must be one specific or multiple specific details that make them their rival! In this case, a descriptive feature of the bad guy! Other than that I think it's a really nice story!

Thank you so much. This was just the feedback I was looking for.

Cheyyy08 · Answer

I like it!!

suger · Answer

is amazingg very good job babycakes