Question

Do I need to make this mores suspenseful or something? Please tell me how to make this better. Thanks!

Answer 1

Hold on...

Answer 2

Finally, I thought, finally, I have some peace from that motherflutterer.

Did I really? Would I really have peace from the one that has been haunting me everywhere? I would have to find out.



The door opening interrupted my thinking. It was my boss.



“Hi Jhon. I hope you had a nice vacation. It’s time to work now. The office has really missed you! You know you’re the best paralegal ‘round! Here are some files I want you to work on. Thanks.”



Nice vacation. Pfft, yeah right. “Thanks Mr. Morgan. I’ll do finish these as soon as possible.”



“I know you will.” He said as he walked out the door.



I was typing away when suddenly; an impossibly loud knock hit the door. My heart sank. It was it. I started breathing heavily. I started looking in my drawers for any weapon at all. The knock…again. I tried to look through my faded and blurred windows. They weren’t see through, but I could maybe see the shape of the person knocking on my door. Right when I was about to figure out who was knocking, AH!



“What the hell?” It was my girlfriend/secretary, Marion. She was beautiful, short blonde hair, slim. I always told her that she reminded me of the girl that always gets killed in horror movies.



“Sorry…I’m a little jumpy today…”



“I can see that…there is someone on line two waiting for you.”



“Who?”



“Didn’t say, but I know he’s a man.” Then she pecked me on my lips and left out my office.”



I picked up the phone, “Thank you for choosing Mercado Law Firm, your law firm of trust. I am Jhon, how can I assist you today?”



“Well, I’d like to cut your arms off and your legs, throw them in the flames of hell and use your head as my sex toy. Can you do that?”



“Why are you calling me at my office?!” It was my dumb-retricefriend, Dalton.



“I need money…”



“No.”



“Please?!”



I hung up. He called again.



“Please?”



He called again.



“Please?”



He called again.



“Please?”



Then, another ring.



“Dalton!”



“I prefer…Satan.” said a deep, smoky voice.



I put down the phone so hard, I thought it almost broke. I was still. KNOCK! Someone knocked…an impossibly loud knock. I managed to whisper, “Come in.”



The door opened and the first thing I saw were its hooves. Then I could see his bright red skin under his mildly hairy body, his weird black goatee and pointy moustache, his bald head with two short horns. He held his black pitchfork...ready to kill.



My eyes widened and I dumbly threw a pencil at him. He laughed hard.



“Jhon…you might die tonight…all I need is one scratch.”



“No. No I won’t!”



I ran towards the door, but he pushed me back and I flew to the floor-to-ceiling library I had behind my desk. His black eyes turned yellow with a small black pupil.



He roared and all the books from my shelves started flying out and my desk was floating in the air. Then I saw that the desk stood still. Everything was on the floor except that desk. The devil wasn’t roaring anymore…his eyes were focused on the desk and he was whispering something to the desk. Almost immediately, he looked at me and smiled. Then, I saw the desk coming right at me.



“Holy…!” I screamed.



I rolled over and luckily, the desk did not crush me.



I got up and ran to the door again and this time, he scratched me with his pitchfork.



“Yes! The scratch I needed!” he shouted and suddenly, the top of the pitchfork was on fire.



He was walking slowly to me. I could hear the clack! Clack! Clack! Of his hooves. It gave me shivers. I got up. I had decided what I was going to do. I was going to show everybody that there was something wrong because, obviously, they didn’t hear me. I ran to the blurred window between the wall and my office. I could hear the devil screaming “Noo!” as I felt the impact of the glass breaking.



The impact of myself landing on the floor was unbearable and I could feel my face crinkling at the pain.



Then, I heard a whisper, “Sixty-Six Hours.”



“Oh, my god, Jhon!” I could hear Marion call out. I felt the heat of people gathering. Actually…it seemed that that was the last thing I felt.







* * *







I woke up in a hospital bed and I saw the back of Marion’s head. Her short blonde hair. She loved her hair short, but I always insisted she get it long. Then she would start a discussion that I love her less because of her short hair. She turned around. It wasn’t her. The face that revealed was a bright red one with a pointy and weird moustache and a goatee. Horns coming out of the blonde hair, and pitch black eyes. It was him.







“Are you okay baby? The doctor said you have to go to hell. I’m sorry, but you have to. Are you okay? Why aren’t you dying? You think you’re so invincible. The truth is, I’m invincible!”



“flutter YOU! flutter YOU!” I shouted. I tried to get out of the bed, but I was strapped.



“Calm down! Calm down!” said Marion. And this time, it was Marion.



“Marion! Marion, let me out!”



“I know…I know. I saw it too. The doctors and everyone else thought you tried to commit suicide, but I saw him. He…he looked at me and stuck out his reptilian tongue. I can’t get that out of my mind now. Look, the doctors said you need to go to a psychologist. They made an appointment for the day after tomorrow. Jhon…Jhon?”



“He’s…he’s right there.”



Marion turned around. Nobody.



“Where?”



“He disappeared. But look, while the doctors do whatever to me…just stay in the house. Be safe.”



“Okay.” She pecked me on the cheek, “I’m leaving now…”



“I love you.”



“I love you too.”



She left and right after that, the doctor came in.



“Hello Mr. Jhon. Feeling any better? I hope the band-aids are working. Luckily, there were no serious cuts, but you’ll get one soon…”



“What?” I asked, confused.



He turned around, “Oh, I’m not done with you yet Jhon.” It was the devil.

Answer 3

What in the world...? I missed the beginning. What are you wanting to do?

Answer 4

Well for some reason I didn't explain his office and I usually spend more time explaining things than focusing on the story. I need improvement on this.

Answer 5

OK. Where do I find the whole of what you already have? What office? I get that it is Jhons office but who is he? Without background I don't know how to maybe help. I assume (retriceof u and me) this is a fictitious story but for what purpose? Who is your audience?

Answer 6

Ha-ha. I would not let me type a_s. How funny.

Answer 7

Have to look up 'retrice' - never seen that word before!

Answer 8

Weird. Retrice is a flight feather: Any of the comparatively large, stiff feathers of a bird's wing or tail that are necessary for flight. I meant As_ (s) of you and me. Assume, get it?

Answer 9

Yeah, OpenStudy does that for all the bad words. Anywho, I wanted to start with an action-packed opening. Uhhh, I mean, all the reader is going to know of Jhon is that he is a lawyer, he is a male, abd he has a secretary who is also his lover. That is really it. I mean, then, in the chapter after this he goes to the psychologist or whatever and sees his face in a mirror and explains to the reader how he looks like. Then, he tells the psychologist what has happened, which is then where you finally fully know who this "Jhon" is. So, Part II comes before Part I really. Kind of..

Answer 10

I should take out the whole "Dalton Calls" thingie...