Question

Check my work?

Answer 1

I'm supposed to write an essay on an issue in the world and how to resolve it... I sent in my first essay and got a 50 on it and this is what my teacher wrote.
You have a good start here!

The essay needs separate paragraphs though with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.

An example format is below:

Paragraph Structure

First sentence: Topic sentence (the main idea of the paragraph)

Second sentence: Explanation (background information, details, definitions, etc.)

Third sentence: Evidence (support from facts, examples, etc.)

Fourth sentence: Explanation of the evidence

Fifth sentence: Transition sentence to next paragraph, or summary sentence if single or last paragraph

Please also proofread and edit before submitting assignments.

If you would like to resubmit, or if you have any questions, please let me know.

Answer 2

Here's my work, don't make fun of it, I just pulled stuff out of the air.
I'm writing an essay on the issue of racism.
In my opinion all racism should be stoped, simply because it's wrong to be condescending twards others just because the color of their skin. People can't help what race they are so I don't see what the point is in making fun of someones skin color.
Some strong evidence of racism being a problem was back in the 1960's when African Americans were being denied entry into stores, schools and also even being killed just because they're African American. Other evidence that I have is from something that I've personally experienced, I was in a sandwich shop and the man behind the counter was from somewhere in the Middle East, another man then walked up to the counter to order some food and I heard the man ordering something start throwing a fit saying " I don't was this man toutching my food because he's Arab". Which i'm sure really hurt the guys feelings and made him not feel welcome in America.
Something that people can do to stop or put a big dent in racism is do something similar to what Martin Luther King JR did by telling people how wrong and mean it is to be racist. Maybe if you hear or see someone being racist twards someone then tell them to knock it off, and not just twards white or black people but to everyone in the world. Another thing that would be helpful for people to do is make friends with all diffrent people, that way if you're from another country you can help make them feel welcome.
People aren't any diffrent just because the country they're from or the color of skin they have, so I think it would be better if everyone in the world would just accept people for who they are.

Answer 3

What more do I need to do to it?

Answer 4

I would just change a few things around such as...
People can't help what race they are so I don't see what the point is in making fun of someones skin color. ~ I would change it so that it says "People can't help what race they are so I don't see what the point of making fun of them is." ~
In the second paragraph where it says Other evidence that I have is from something that I've personally experienced ~ I would rewrite that so it would say "On a personal note," (then continue with the paragraph) or "A racist situation I've encountered was when I was eating at sand which shop" (then continue with your story)
You put twards ~ It should really say towards~

Other then that you're all good to go! Good luck :)

Answer 5

Thank you so much!

Answer 6

You're welcome! :D