I;m writing a memoir essay and wanted to improve my Effective Sentence and Grammar, Usage, & Mechanics. I went to a website to submit the essay in and they told me I have advance on the others for example, Focus and Organization, Content and Development, and Word Choice are all advance. Can you please read the essay below and tell me what you think I should change to make the other two advanced also.
Thank you
Childhood Memories
“Alright everyone, for homework I want you to pick an important life lesson to write on your memoir essay” said Mrs. McCormac. The classroom erupted in groans and complains. An important life lesson, huh. I don’t think I have that many life lessons, but I do have 2 or 3 to choose from. Maybe I’ll write about that time when I was in Vietnam for the first time; I will never forget about that specific trip. It made me realize something that might have changed me. I tried to focus on what the teacher was saying, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from going into the past.
Vrooooooooom! The airplane speeds up the runway. There was a loud roaring sound when the plane tipped to fly through the sky. I was a 6 years old girl at the time and it was my first time on an airplane, so the loud roar sound kind of made me nervous. After everything quieted down, I saw people moving their mouths, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I thought I lost my hearing during the loud noise. I started to panic, but then I heard a thump. I quickly turned my head to the noise. Then I heard voices and was instantly relieved, but I realized I couldn’t hear as clearly as before. I didn’t care though, as long as I can still hear than it was fine with me. After a few hours, I asked my mom when we will be at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. She said in 2 days. Can you believe it? I had to sit in my chair for 2 whole days, but it was worth it when the airplane landed.
The place was beautiful even at midnight. I heard that it was really hot here and it is, but it’s nighttime right now! How hot will it be in the daytime? I knew that in the afternoon I’ll be sweating because of the heat. After picking up our luggage, we exited the airport. Next thing I knew, some lady called my name and started to hug me. I was so surprised that I was speechless. My mom came up and told me that she was my aunt, so I hug her back and said “Hello”. My uncle drove us to this huge white house with a black gate. My brother and I were the last ones who brought in our luggage into the house.
The first thing we saw when we entered through the double doors was an orange striped cat sitting on the top of the three staircases. I don’t know what possessed is or how we went past the cat, but we both just started to running up the steps and up the staircases to the third floor and hid in a dark room. When the door cracked opened and a beam of light showed through, we both shielded out eyes. We expected to see our parents, but instead it was our three cousins. One was a tall chubby boy around my brother’s age which is 9 or 10 years old. The other was a tall and skinny girl who is about around my age which is 6 or 7 years old and the last one is a little girl who is 2 or 3 years younger than me. They introduced themselves as Tom, Bo, and Kate. After they explained where our parents are at the moment, they showed us where we will be sleeping.
I woke up to the sound of birds chirping. I saw that it was 6 o’clock in the morning and I was surprised because I usually sleep in until 9 am. My stomach started to grumble, so I woke my brother up so that we can go eat breakfast. After we freshen up we both stumbled down the stairs for breakfast, but nobody was in the kitchen or at the table except the maids. My brother and I stood there for a second because we didn’t know what to do. Right then, my aunt descend down the stairs and said “Good morning, are you guys hungry?” We both nodded and she told the maids to cook us up a meal. Before the maids could set the food in front of me I could smell the scrambled eggs, the miso soup, and the steaming rice coming my way.
After I ate my fill, our cousins have been keeping us company. While we spend time together I’ve felt like an outsider the whole time. They do talk to me, but I think it is out of politeness. My shyness was often mistaken for disinterest, so I think my cousins are trying to leave me alone. I knew that if I want them to talk to me, I have to throw away my shyness. I should not let my shyness get in the way of making new friends, thinking back to the kids that were in my school. I tried to remember how they treat their friends or how they made new friends.
The next day, I tried acting a little bit different. I was being more outgoing and speak my mind out. I didn’t expect the outcome to be negative. I embarrassed myself by acting all awkward and I also stutter whenever I try to speak freely. My plan of acting like other kids did not work, so I tried to act differently again. I started to be more aggressive like telling her what to do and what I like to do things my way. All I thought at the time was to try to make her like me and to hang out. I didn’t know the way I acted would have caused the opposite effect.
One day, Bo and I had an argument; I don’t remember what we had argued about. What made me remember this event was that she was sitting on a cabinet table and told me what I was like for the past few days and wished I was my old self again. Nobody knew this situation except a maid since she was there with us. The maid suggested that I leave Bo alone until she calmed down, so I did. That same night I saw my mom packing and asked her why, she said that we are returning home. I was shocked. I had not apologized to Bo yet, so I hurried to her room, but she was not there. My mom said that we had to go, so I had no choice but to get in the car. On the way to the airport, I have thought of the last few days and knew that I have lost a friend and would regret this for the rest of my life.
RRIINNNNGGGG! “Ok everyone, remember your homework is to pick an important life lesson to write on your memoir essay!” shouted Mrs. McCormac. I jumped out of my seat and shoved my stuff into my backpack. My mind was kind of fuzzy because I was still in the remembering the past. I knew that I had made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I will absolutely never repeat this one.

Question

I;m writing a memoir essay and wanted to improve my Effective Sentence and Grammar, Usage, & Mechanics.  I went to a website to submit the essay in and they told me I have advance on the others for example,  Focus and Organization, Content and Development, and Word Choice are all advance.  Can you please read the essay below and tell me what you think I should change to make the other two advanced also.
Thank you
Childhood Memories
“Alright everyone, for homework I want you to pick an important life lesson to write on your memoir essay” said Mrs. McCormac.  The classroom erupted in groans and complains.  An important life lesson, huh.  I don’t think I have that many life lessons, but I do have 2 or 3 to choose from.  Maybe I’ll write about that time when I was in Vietnam for the first time; I will never forget about that specific trip.  It made me realize something that might have changed me.  I tried to focus on what the teacher was saying, but I just couldn’t keep my mind from going into the past.
	Vrooooooooom! The airplane speeds up the runway. There was a loud roaring sound when the plane tipped to fly through the sky.  I was a 6 years old girl at the time and it was my first time on an airplane, so the loud roar sound kind of made me nervous.  After everything quieted down, I saw people moving their mouths, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.  I thought I lost my hearing during the loud noise.  I started to panic, but then I heard a thump.  I quickly turned my head to the noise.  Then I heard voices and was instantly relieved, but I realized I couldn’t hear as clearly as before.  I didn’t care though, as long as I can still hear than it was fine with me.  After a few hours, I asked my mom when we will be at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam.  She said in 2 days. Can you believe it? I had to sit in my chair for 2 whole days, but it was worth it when the airplane landed.
	The place was beautiful even at midnight.  I heard that it was really hot here and it is, but it’s nighttime right now! How hot will it be in the daytime? I knew that in the afternoon I’ll be sweating because of the heat. After picking up our luggage, we exited the airport.  Next thing I knew, some lady called my name and started to hug me.  I was so surprised that I was speechless.    My mom came up and told me that she was my aunt, so I hug her back and said “Hello”. My uncle drove us to this huge white house with a black gate. My brother and I were the last ones who brought in our luggage into the house.
	The first thing we saw when we entered through the double doors was an orange striped cat sitting on the top of the three staircases. I don’t know what possessed is or how we went past the cat, but we both just started to running up the steps and up the staircases to the third floor and hid in a dark room. When the door cracked opened and a beam of light showed through, we both shielded out eyes. We expected to see our parents, but instead it was our three cousins.  One was a tall chubby boy around my brother’s age which is 9 or 10 years old.  The other was a tall and skinny girl who is about around my age which is 6 or 7 years old and the last one is a little girl who is 2 or 3 years younger than me.  They introduced themselves as Tom, Bo, and Kate.  After they explained where our parents are at the moment, they showed us where we will be sleeping.
	I woke up to the sound of birds chirping. I saw that it was 6 o’clock in the morning and I was surprised because I usually sleep in until 9 am.  My stomach started to grumble, so I woke my brother up so that we can go eat breakfast. After we freshen up we both stumbled down the stairs for breakfast, but nobody was in the kitchen or at the table except the maids. My brother and I stood there for a second because we didn’t know what to do. Right then, my aunt descend down the stairs and said “Good morning, are you guys hungry?” We both nodded and she told the maids to cook us up a meal.  Before the maids could set the food in front of me I could smell the scrambled eggs, the miso soup, and the steaming rice coming my way.  
	After I ate my fill, our cousins have been keeping us company.  While we spend time together I’ve felt like an outsider the whole time.  They do talk to me, but I think it is out of politeness.  My shyness was often mistaken for disinterest, so I think my cousins are trying to leave me alone.  I knew that if I want them to talk to me, I have to throw away my shyness.  I should not let my shyness get in the way of making new friends, thinking back to the kids that were in my school.  I tried to remember how they treat their friends or how they made new friends.
	The next day, I tried acting a little bit different. I was being more outgoing and speak my mind out. I didn’t expect the outcome to be negative. I embarrassed myself by acting all awkward and I also stutter whenever I try to speak freely. My plan of acting like other kids did not work, so I tried to act differently again. I started to be more aggressive like telling her what to do and what I like to do things my way. All I thought at the time was to try to make her like me and to hang out.  I didn’t know the way I acted would have caused the opposite effect. 
	One day, Bo and I had an argument; I don’t remember what we had argued about. What made me remember this event was that she was sitting on a cabinet table and told me what I was like for the past few days and wished I was my old self again. Nobody knew this situation except a maid since she was there with us.  The maid suggested that I leave Bo alone until she calmed down, so I did.  That same night I saw my mom packing and asked her why, she said that we are returning home.  I was shocked. I had not apologized to Bo yet, so I hurried to her room, but she was not there.  My mom said that we had to go, so I had no choice but to get in the car. On the way to the airport, I have thought of the last few days and knew that I have lost a friend and would regret this for the rest of my life.
	RRIINNNNGGGG! “Ok everyone, remember your homework is to pick an important life lesson to write on your memoir essay!” shouted Mrs. McCormac. I jumped out of my seat and shoved my stuff into my backpack.  My mind was kind of fuzzy because I was still in the remembering the past. I knew that I had made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I will absolutely never repeat this one.