Question

Can someone give me some criticism on my story, pls? Thanks. :>

Answer 1

Light
http://prntscr.com/4rab0r
By: @hugsnotughs

It was bewildering, what he said to me. It echoed in my mind: “Listen…I care about you. You’re like a daughter to me, and for that reason I need you to leave. I just…don’t want you to get hurt. I need you to leave. I need you to leave now.”
He’s my Biology teacher, Professor Lewis. He has a rough voice that rose at the end of each sentence. He’s in his forties with gray hair. He was literally one of my best friends. Which seemed weird, I know, but still. He was like the father I never had…or met. And now…he just said he wanted me to leave…and that he cared about me, but why? Why did he want me to leave? What was he scared of? Me dying, of course, but how? Why? Thoughts were stirring through my mind. Was he afraid of doing something to me? Was he some kind of secret criminal? What was it? I broke the silence, whispering a soft, “No.”
“Katie…you have to go. This is a small town and it will be destroyed soon. I know it seems weird, but if you don’t go,” he grabbed my arm tightly, “you die.” The classroom was cold, but what he said and the way he said it made it colder. Chills were sent down my spine and fear tingled over my whole body.
“Don’t touch me…” I whispered.
He let go of me, but then got up from his chair and started pacing. “Katie, just promise me you’ll leave,” then he pressed my face a bit too hard, causing my lips to scrunch a little bit, “promise me.”
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed, freeing from his grip. I grabbed my backpack and accidentally knocked over one of the desks.
“No Katie! Not in that way! I mean they will get you! They will kill you! They will kill you!”
I had already run out of the classroom into the bright, white corridor. Almost to the exit, someone grabbed my arm so firmly, I almost fell. It was the janitor.
“Be careful Miss Williams. I’m mopping…wet floor.”
“Okay.” I tried to walk again, but the janitor wouldn’t let go.
“I need you Miss Williams.”
“You need me to…”
“I need you to leave Miss Williams…”
My eyes widened. “What did you say?”
“You head me damn well,” he said in a serious, but scratchy voice, “Professor Lewis is right. If you don’t leave now they will get you, and they will devour you!” The way he said “devour you” sent chills to my spine, and I felt as if the janitor himself was going to devour me.
“Excuse me, I’m going to go now Mr. Lee.”
He still didn’t let go, and then he turned around and pinned me to the wall. “Just remember,” he started smiling a sinister and toothless smile, “Don’t die last.”
He let go of me and I ran and ran and ran. Out of the school, to my house, to my room, and when I got to my room, I fell on my bed. I cried, not knowing what to think about. And I just fell asleep.

Answer 2

When I woke up it was dark. Not the regular dark, this was an impossible dark – A pitch black dark that no eyes could be adjusted to. A dark that confused me to the point where I didn’t know if I had my eyes opened or closed. I had no shoes. I scrunched my toes and I felt dirt. I put my arms out and started walking slowly. I felt branches and leaves under me. It smelled like earth. I bumped into something. It felt rough and crumbly. A tree, I thought. I kept on walking, and I kept bumping into trees. Then, suddenly, I wasn’t bumping to any trees anymore. And I was walking on dirt anymore. I was walking on asphalt. That’s when I saw the headlights. Lots of them. Coming towards me, from all over the place. Suddenly, there were cars swooshing and speeding around me, all so fast, barely missing me. I could feel the wind the cars made by going so fast. And still, none had killed me yet. I screamed and then it just stopped. When I opened my eyes, I saw two headlights. Not too far away. I could smell the exhaust of the car. When I started to get up is when the engine started revving. As if the engine were some force, I fell back down on the floor. That’s when I saw the headlights get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until all I saw was light. Light here. Light there. Everywhere I turned. Light. I was dead, the car had crashed me. I was dead. I was dead. Only light. Just light. Light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light light dark.
I opened my eyes. The full moon was above me, about to cover itself with clouds. I was lying on dirt. I gripped the grass with my hands and turned to see a boy crying. There was another boy too. They were a bit tall and also slender, so they had to be teenagers. They were facing the other way so they couldn’t see me watching.
The one boy who was crying whispered “I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I know you’re disappointed with me. I put us in danger. Now we’re going to die too.”
“Look, it’s fine Jake. Look at me,” he turned the boy’s face to his, “even if we die, we die loving each other. And what you did was not bad at all. You risked your life for someone else. That’s why I love you. You’re the only person I know who would ever do that. I wouldn’t even do that Jake. It’s okay.” He then kissed the boy. The boy relaxed and they kissed for a long time. I started to get up and the crunching of the leaves let them know I was. I looked up at them. The one who was crying had dark black hair. His eyes were a brown so beautiful I couldn’t explain. The moonlight shone in them. The other one was blond and had light blue eyes that reminded me of the ocean.
“I’m Luke.” Said the blonde boy. He put his hand out to help me get up.
“And I’m Jake” said the other boy, smiling. That was when the trees started moving and tree trunks started falling. Without saying anything, we all ran. When we stopped, I realized that only Jake and I were running. I stopped.
“Jake!” I called out. He turned around. And then automatically tears were running down his cheeks.
“Luke, where’s Luke?”
“I don’t know…”
We started running back. As we ran back, with each step a scream got louder. It was Luke. A trunk had caught one of his legs. Jake stared sobbing. We tried to get Luke out. The trunk was too heavy and we just couldn’t. That’s when the forest started rumbling again. And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. We didn’t know what to do and Luke kept saying for us to go on with him, but Jake didn’t want to, but he didn’t want me to go either, and we just didn’t know what to do, and then I had an idea. I walked towards a pile of leaves and I woke up.
I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating. I was sweating, and somehow, I ended up under the covers. I grabbed my phone, “Hello?”
“Hey…I’m gonna pick you up in ten so we can go somewhere, ‘kay?” I was my boyfriend, Conor. I looked at the time and saw that I only slept for an hour. The dream…nightmare…whatever seemed like it was…just long. Like if I had been in the dream all night. It felt so real, so real. I literally don’t have another word for it.
Conor knocked on the door and I sped downstairs. He was waiting in the front door, talking to my mother. When he saw me a small, sexy smile appeared in his face. “You look badass…as usual.” He bowed like a prince and put out a hand. I took his hand and said bye to my mother. My mother was giving me a stern look because of the “bad word”, but she knew it was true love. I got in the trunk of Conor’s old, red F-150. Bella was there. She was my best friend (who was my age). She was quirky and unique. She was just the definition of awesome. She had short black hair and was really pale. She had a black hoodie and black jeans right now. She hugged me.
“Hey girl!”
“Hey!”
“Conor told you wear we’re going?” she winked at me.
“No…not yet. He said it was out of town kinda.”
“Anything ten minutes from here is out of this town. But you kow…he’s taking you somewhere special.” She made a circle with one hand and started putting her index finger in it and started making facial expressions.
“Ohmygod Bella shut up!”
We started laughing and Conor was too. After thirty minutes of driving, we arrived to a daisy field that looked just beautiful in the sunset. Conor parked in the middle and took out a tape. He put the volume real high and indie and 80s songs and also songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And we just danced. Danced like if no one was looking…and no one was. And put the volume up like if the world wasn’t listening. And the world wasn’t listening. After the tape ended in the song “Time Warp”, we all fell to the grown and lied there for like ten minutes. Conor got up and put another tape for Bella to keep dancing. Conor and I sat in the car drinking beer. He wore a red jersey and jeans. I touched his rough brown hair. And he touched my long, wavy brown hair. I looked into his green eyes and he looked into my green eyes. And right when we were about to kiss, Bella jumped out of nowhere and started singing “Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me” and moaning and pressing her breasts together. We just laughed. We all laughed. That was the story of my life. And I loved it. I turned back to look at Conor. Oh, was he beautiful. He had the narrow face of a model. Lips that I longed to feel on my whole body. I loved him. I remember when I met him. I knew he was the only one for me. We both knew it, just like that. He was magnetic, electric. We walked in the school halls and every woman’s head turned, even if he wasn’t a jock, even if he was considered a nerd. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I knew he loved me too. We kissed for a long time.
One our way home, we all sat in front with Conor. Bella kept changing the stations because today’s music makes her “d-d-d-die of boredom”. Conor and I kept smiling at each other. When we got to my house…there was something weird. There was a car parked in our driveway. And it wasn’t ours. We decided to all go inside just in case. That’s when I saw my mother tied to a chair, her throat slitted, her eyes wide open…dead. And then I saw Mr. Lee, the Janitor. And Professor Lewis…with the knife that killed my mother.

Answer 3

Them. At school Professor Lewis kept saying that they were going to kill me and they were going to get me. Little did I know, it was him. And the janitor. They were the ones. They were going to kill me. But they killed my mother first. Why? Why?! I screamed the moment I saw my mother dead.
“Katie I know you’re scared, but this was for your own good. You have to be killed too. As long as you aren’t last.”
“What he hell is wrong with you?!” said Conor. He lunged at the professor, but the janitor hit him with a shovel. Now, all three of us were crouched on the wall. Looking up at the professor and the janitor, ready to kill us. Bella held my hand tight. And I held Conor’s hand tight. The lights started flickering.
“They’re here…” said the professor.
That’s when everything went dark. A dark that eyes couldn’t be adjusted to. A dark like in the dream. I felt a warm liquid splattering on me. And I heard Bella screaming. Then Conor screamed “TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”
Then just like that, the lights turned on. But Bella was dead. Her body was bent to awkward angles and everything was blood, all I saw. She was covered in blood and her body was open. Her intestines out and his insides on the outside. I put my hands on my mouth and screamed. I scooched to Conor and he held me tight. And then the lights turned off again. And I felt more blood splatter on me. And Conor screaming. No, no, not Conor, please not Conor. When the lights turned on, it was him. He was dead now, left just like they left Bella. This can’t be happening. I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m next, I’m going to die, I’m going to die. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do I cant I cant, I’m gonna die, Im gonna die, please, god please help me. The lights turned off again. But this time I saw two small beams of light. It was coming towards me. No, no, no, I don’t want to die! The lights turned on and then I saw this thing on the Professor. It was eating his flesh. It was slimy and dark green. It was probably only four feet tall. It had razor sharp claws and a slimy skin. You could see red veins. It screeched when the lights turned on and I saw it’s thin, razor-sharp teeth when it did. I also saw it’s eyes. The eyes were the two beams of light. When it’s dark, they were the only light I could see. The lights turned off again. And it turned on. And the professor and the janitor were dead. That’s when I saw the creature limping towards me. And it stopped right in front of me. I could see it’s small head, it’s bloody face and teeth. Right in front of me. I was crying. And suddenly, numerous other creatures that looked exactly the same came too. They were all gathering around me. No, no, no, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, I’m only seventeen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for the bad things I’ve done, but I want to live, I can’t I can’t. I was sobbing now, and I couldn’t think or apologize anymore so I just screamed. I screamed and screamed until there was nothing but darkness. Darkness.

Answer 4

Tell me what you guys think. What you felt, what you liked, didn't like. How I can make it better and more suspenseful. Thanks in advanced! :D

Answer 5

@tester97 @caitlinnr14 @klorainewilliams

Answer 6

Is that light paragraph a joke?

Answer 7

I pressed the ctrl+v too many times. ;33

Answer 8

You need to hire yourself an editor. Loads of weird grammar issues (fragments and the like) I haven't read the actual story though.

I suppose you wanted this to be informal though :)

Answer 9

I actually really enjoyed your story. Although, there are quite a few errors that need to be fixed, but I'm sure you already knew that. Good job!

Answer 10

Thank you for the feedback. I know I always have a lot of grammar problems, but I'll definitely revise. :D

Answer 11

Sorry I just got on here! But yeah like they said, there were some grammar issues but an amazing story!! I love it!

Answer 12

@Crissy15

Answer 13

grammar but other then that great story took me long to read lol

Answer 14

Just check grammar and punctuation but other then that, it was great! @hugsnotughs

Answer 15

Thanks. :3