Question

In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.

Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches.

Answer 1

The first sentence is not much of a hook, and there is not enough evidence for the supporting details.
Do you know what is my happiest childhood memory? Swimming! When I was young, I loved to swim with everyone, and splash around in the cool water. I thought it was pretty cool once when I went to the beach and I started floating around. There, I developed strong swimming skills and became an expert in swimming. Since this is such a good memory, I would like everyone to try it out as well! Instead of always staying at home playing video games, you should try to have fun at the beach, or at a nearby pool. Many of my friends have tried this, and none left negative comments! You should try it too!