justasoftie:

Can someone proofread my writing piece? (It's for a project at school and it is now finished.)

3 months ago
justasoftie:

The girl runs down the hill, the clouds up above fluffier than cotton candy at the county carnival. Her dress flows in the wind as she runs down the hill, without a worry in the world. Suddenly that all changes when she hears an eerily similar tune, overpowering all of the other sounds in the field. The birds stop chirping their smooth soft song, and the bees stop working the flowers. "Is that...Carnival music?" The young girl asks herself, her hair mimicking the grass, blowing in the wind as if it is saying hello. The music draws closer, engulfing her almost, the rest of the world melting away until she finds herself in a carnival-like place. You have the music, the Ferris wheel, and the swings. There's just one thing missing, all of the people. She looks a bit worried whenever she runs to the end of the carnival, noticing that it has no end, and she just keeps running. Once she gets to what she thinks will be an end of this mess, it just becomes more and more miles of the carnival. "Hello there, Helena," A raspy voice says from behind her, her name rolling off of his tongue as if he has spoken it many times before. The fact that some stranger is saying her name, bothers her enough to want to ignore him, and she acts as if he didn't hear the man. "I know you can hear me, Helena," he hisses once again. "I saw you flinch, and it was rather noticeable," He says to her, his hair spiky enough to be compared to Celosias on a still, quiet day. The rest of him was covered in a polka-dotted clown suit, with a puffy red collar around his neck, with messily blotched face paint. At least it would appear to be face paint, we can only hope. This time, the girl responds, turning around with a look of terror in her eyes. She sees the man and the look of terror only grows, as she sees that he is dressed, and appears to be the one thing she fears. Clowns. The single word flashes through her head, and the second signal rushes to her hippocampus. Fight or flight? What to pick? How must one know in such a dire and absurd situation? She quickly runs away, running for her life because she believes she is. She runs, and more of his heads just keep popping up around her, her head spinning as it draws towards her. It reaches out to grab her and jerks her down and everything goes black. She wakes up in a cold sweat, and she looks up, seeing that she is still in her room, and in her pajamas. She gets up quietly, mimicking a church mouse, and checks her closet. The closet is empty so she grabs her teddy bear and wraps herself back up in her blanket, and drifts back to sleep.

3 months ago
ThisGirlPretty:

@Shadow @Umm

3 months ago
Shadow:

What sort of assignment is it?

3 months ago
Shadow:

I assume some form of creative writing, but what sort of criteria is there?

3 months ago
justasoftie:

It was just a fantasy writing assignment, we got to write anything as long as it had a fiction or fantasy element

3 months ago
Shadow:

Ah, okay. I can do a proper analysis after lunch.

3 months ago
Shadow:

In your first sentence, you lack a conjunction while connecting the two independent clauses. I would suggest 'as'

3 months ago
Shadow:

The girl runs down the hill, as the clouds up above fluffier than cotton candy at the county carnival.

3 months ago
Shadow:

The second independent clause is also a bit awkward. "As the clouds up above fluffier than cotton candy" I would recommend adding a noun (state of being) for the cloud, then describing it. As the clouds drift up above, fluffier than cotton candy.

3 months ago
Shadow:

"Her dress flows in the wind as she runs down the hill, without a worry in the world." 'as she runs down the hill' This is repetitive, as you say the same thing in your first sentence. I understand that you want to provide further detail to what she's doing, so I would suggest the word 'racing' 'Her dress flows in the wind, as she races down the hill without a worry in the world' Also changed some of the grammatical notations to see if it would flow better. You can see if you like that or not.

3 months ago
Shadow:

"Is that...Carnival music?" Carnival does not need to be capitalized here. "The young girl asks herself, her hair mimicking the grass, blowing in the wind as if it is saying hello." 'as her hair mimics the grass' -Just a slight change, due to herself + her being repetitive. 'blowing in the wind as if waving hello' -Adds a bit more imagery and makes it less choppy with less words.

3 months ago
Shadow:

"At least it would appear to be face paint, we can only hope." No criticism here, but praise. I enjoyed the subtle addition of second person here (including the reader in the writing) as I later found out that this was a nightmare. This 'we' bonds the reader and the girl together, hoping that it was just face paint. You hope for the sake of the girl that this clown is not a monster, and it gives rise to a growing unsteadiness. I actually enjoyed reading this a lot, truly. The imagery is wonderful and the writing is well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

3 months ago
Shadow:

@justasoftie

3 months ago
Shadew:

^complete nub

3 months ago
justasoftie:

@shadow Thank you so much

3 months ago
Shadow:

No problem

3 months ago
Similar Questions: