My heart aching, my mind racing, .... so much air around me yet I can hardly breath, I try to speak but no words come out my feelings at there highest peek. tears swell in my eyes, I bring my hand up to my eye saying, "why..why must everyone around me die." Please tell me my very being is a lie. Tears streaming down my face, my body tattered and bruised... My new parents glaring at me with disgust telling me pick myself back up. I don't wanna go on but I know I must. My wrists all patterned with with fresh red lines I don't bother to hide for no one will care my thought still all jumbled. For when it came time to stand all that came out was a mumble as I stood there fumbling.

Unfinished short story, may or may not have grammatical errors, if so please tell me what I need to fix or add

Question

My heart aching, my mind racing, .... so much air around me yet I can hardly breath, I try to speak but no words come out my feelings at there highest peek.  tears swell in my eyes, I bring my hand up to my eye saying, "why..why must everyone around me die." Please tell me my very being is a lie. Tears streaming down my face, my body tattered and bruised... My new parents glaring at me with disgust telling me pick myself back up. I don't wanna go on but I know I must. My wrists all patterned with with fresh red lines I don't bother to hide for no one will care my thought still all jumbled. For when it came time to stand all that came out was a mumble as I stood there fumbling.

Unfinished short story,  may or may not have  grammatical errors, if so please  tell me what I need to fix or add

heywsp · Answer

i think its good :p

SmokeyBrown · Answer

This is the introduction to the story, yes? It's an interesting choice, to put the readers right into the middle of this crisis which the narrator is going through. It invites us to ask some questions and sparks some curiosity about our main character. The style also allows us to feel in ourselves some of the confusion that the narrator is evidently going through.

On the second line, "there highest peak" should be "their highest peak". There are a few points, at the beginning of sentences or statements where words should be capitalized. You also use a lot of run-on sentences, but I think this can be excused, since it emphasizes the stream-of-consciousness style of narration that is taking place.

Not bad. I'm interested in seeing what this leads to. If you continue writing, please post it so that we can see :)

baddestgirl · Answer

It's an, awesome story .Keep it up!!😊

200082741 · Answer

It's really good <3

Astrid1 · Answer

I love it, sounds good but it is sad o:

JayJay16 · Answer

Thank you all for the advice,and kind words, I look forward to finishing this story, and writing about what led up to the crisis.

DustinSettle · Answer

It's good. I like it.

stanateez · Answer

I love it! I like how it's something real that happens to people in real life and not a fairytale that everyone wants to believe but can't. Great work keep it up

XxXNessalulbaddieXxX · Answer

this is actually goood sheeeeeeesh

200082741 · Answer

@xxxnessalulbaddiexxx wrote:

this is actually goood sheeeeeeesh

"Actually"? xd

XxXNessalulbaddieXxX · Answer

@200082741 wrote:

@xxxnessalulbaddiexxx wrote:

this is actually goood sheeeeeeesh

"Actually"? xd

xd

TaleighaCutie · Answer

That's really good! Can't wait to hear the final product!

Scorpion13 · Answer

Good me crying and all no jp but it is so good

Scorpion13 · Answer

Got*

200082741 · Answer

@scorpion13 wrote:

Good me crying and all no jp but it is so good

NU CRI