Question

feedback?
I've been working on my 3rd book. I was working in my first chapter is good enough, or if it just needs some editing. I want your honest opinion. Let me know what you think.
Please and Thank You.

Answer 1

Dear Diary, Part 1, 4-23-2012


I started my day off by waking up in my bed.
The alarm clock was tempting but I didn’t shut it off.
Even though it hurt my head, I still let it go off for about fifteen minutes.
Then I got up and washed my hands and face.
Then walked to the kitchen and saw that my sister had already gone to work.
So, I ate leftover Tea Cake from two nights before.
Then I got my uniform on and left for school.

Once again, I went to homeroom for about 5 minutes then my first class, math, started.
As everyone knows, I’m in class A, and usually, I get the best grades.
Every day some kids in class F do something bad that distracts my teacher.
As my teacher is outside of my classroom,
my classmates rush over and ask me for my notes.
The reason for this is that our teacher, Mr. Ernest, always has a pop quiz for us to do
during the first half of the class.
He only does this to prepare us for the exams, towards the end of the year.
And that's what normally happens, but today it was different.
Nobody from Class F did anything wrong. They weren't even loud.
Every day since middle school we could hear them from three buildings away.
There's something very wrong today. Our teacher didn't even prepare a pop quiz.
Today, he was absent, he's never absent, ever since middle school he's never been absent.

During lunch, I sat on the roof.
I didn't have anything to eat, so I just looked down.
Then, a girl from Class F, Eavie, came up to me.
Nobody ever comes up to me on a normal day, but today is not a normal day.
She tapped me on my shoulder, and I then turned around.
She grabbed my sleeve, pushed me up against the wall, and started, to kiss me.
She seemed as if she was in a bad mood.
And I know for sure that she doesn't like me, or even have a crush on me.
So, I took her off of me and grabbed both of her wrists.
And her head just hung to the ground, she didn't even say anything to me.
I looked down at her neck and arms. There were bruises and scars.





[ "One day in middle school, She was being bullied really badly.
She had stopped going to school for two weeks.
And when she came back she had bruises everywhere.
She came to school and went home, then came back, and she'd have a black eye, or a broken limb.
Bellia, Eavie's younger sister, lived with their mom in New York.
Their mom took Bellia after she and their uncle got into a big fight.
She left Eavie with their uncle because he didn't want to be alone.
They only got in a fight because their mom couldn't keep custody of them after their dad died unless she got a new job.
Everyone found out that her dad, I mean uncle abused her.
So, one day her mom came back from New York one evening and saw the abuse.
Her mom had called the police.
And the police took him and put him into a holding cell until the paperwork was done.
The day after that her mom went to the school to explain why she had not been there that day,
and what's been going on.
Eavie was babysitting Bellia.
Eventually, her uncle died in Jail." ]




I lifted her head up and she was crying.
I asked her what is wrong and she cried even harder and then hugged me.
I really didn't want her to hug me but how comes
I am not allowed; a girl who is crying her heart out not to hug the closest person to her.
Plus that would just be mean.
We hugged for about 5 minutes until she was calmer.
Then I asked her again what was wrong.
And she told me that "her mom had killed herself by overdosing on pain pills.
And that it has been a while.
And she thought that she could keep up with the rent because her mom had
money set out for the next rent date.
She said that she got a job to keep a roof over her and Bellia's heads,
and food in their stomachs.
She told me that just yesterday she got a
Eviction Notice.
And she said that she had nowhere else to go."
I felt really bad.
That I honestly had no idea what to do.
So I just said something totally random.
I told her that she and Bellia could stay at my place
until they get enough money,
and I'll even help them find a place.
I'm so stupid because I should've asked my sister first.
Since she's the one that pays for my rent, my water bill, and everything else of mine.
I told her that she could come home with me tomorrow after school.
I've never seen her so happy.
Last time I saw her that happy was when her dad was still alive.


I went back to class;
it was the gym.
I was late.
The teacher practically didn't give a crap about why I was.
We did our daily stretches and then we ran around
for the rest of the class time.
While I was running I thought about what I was going to tell my sister.
It was the end of class, so I was getting ready to go home.

I was walking home.
While I walked I checked my phone and called my sister
to see when she'll be home.
She said that "she's working extra late tonight."

When I got home I went to sleep for an hour.
Then I woke up and checked the time and it was 10 pm.
So I made some dinner for me and my sis.
And started to clean out the extra room in our house.
I made a bed and I put a blow-up bed in there on the floor.
I cleaned out the closet, dresser, and bathroom that came with the room.

When I was done I checked the time again.
It was already 1 am.
My sister wasn't home yet.
I put on a coat, got my shoes on, and left to go look for my sister.
I waited outside for 12 minutes
then I went to her work.
I asked the lady at the front desk where my sister was.
And the lady said that "she left at 7 pm."

My sister lied to me.
I knew that something seemed strange.
I don't remember the last time that she worked late.
I swear that if she's at the bar I'm going to be so mad at her.
I start running to the bar.
My sister was there and a strange man was holding her while feeding her more beer.
I grabbed my sister and the man seemed that he wanted to pick a fight with me.
So once again, I have to save my sister from going home with some man.

I grabbed her and we started walking home.
She vomited, a lot.

I put her to bed
and gave her some Acetaminophen
(a headache, stomach ache, a pain relief medication)

Dang, I wonder when she'll be sober enough so I can tell her
that I welcomed random people to live with us.

Or maybe I could just not tell her.
No, no way, she'd probably find it weird that I have women's underwear by the room.
And wonder why the internet and water bill are so high.
I'll figure it out in the morning.

Anyways I'm going to bed.


Sincerely, Myself

Answer 2

This is actually really interesting. In my opinion, I just don't see the consistency throughout the story. I would advise you to stay consistent with your story and also maybe result in a conclusion.

Your grammar is excellent not gonna lie and it kept me very interested.

W start bro 🤝

Answer 3

i love your Diary reminds me of the Diary of the wimpy kid since that is also a diary instead of writing sincerely my self you should write sincerely myself you should write sincerely diary or something

Answer 4

I think you did a wonderful job. But like @joe348 said, try being more consistent with what you're talking about. I am very interested, and would like to read more. Maybe try doing each chapter in the pov of someone new, like the main character, Eavie, and the big sister. That is what I would recommend doing. If you have any tips on writing, do you mind sharing a few? I'm also writing a story of my own, but I need some tips.

Answer 5

Nice start tbh, kinda reminds me of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Dork Diaries. Like Joe said, try to be more consistent with what you're talking about. And like Becca said, it would definitely be a bit more interesting if you put POVs of different characters. I would definitely love to read this :^ Keep it up!

Answer 6

i love dork diaries i am trying to get the hole collection of them but i only have 6 books of them

Answer 7

i´ḿ in 8th grade so i still read them

Answer 8

This gives off that Dear Dumb Diary vibe, nostalgic, i used to read them

Answer 9

nice

Answer 10

Nice

Answer 11

How long have you had an interest in writing?

Answer 12

not bad

Answer 13

Wrd 🤘🏾🤘🏾

Answer 14

noice :]