Question

Revising and Editing help

The person I choose to do a topic is Maya Angelou. The reason why I picked her as a topic is because I admire her. She writes such great books and poetry that will move you and she is inspirational how she over comes her fear of talking with the help of people , who then urge her to write. Which in the in end she earns numerous awards for her books and poetry and becomes a huge celebrity. The one book I read that moved me was “ I Know Why A Caged Bird Sings” and one of her poems that Is my favorite is “Phenomenal Woman”.
Hi could someone revise and tell what I d

Answer 1

I can definitely help you with this.

The person I choose to do a topic is Maya Angelou.

The reason why I picked her as a topic is because I admire her.

She writes such great books and poetry that will move you and she is inspirational how she over comes her fear of talking with the help of people , who then urge her to write.

Which in the in end she earns numerous awards for her books and poetry and becomes a huge celebrity.

The one book I read that moved me was “ I Know Why A Caged Bird Sings” and one of her poems that Is my favorite is “Phenomenal Woman”.

Answer 2

Sentence one, read it out lout to yourself.

Answer 3

(Is this for a topic outline, or an actual final?)

Answer 4

It is an introduction paragraph on a person that I admire

Answer 5

If you read the sentence aloud, you should notice that some parts of it could be moved around to make it bounce a bit more, and sound original.

Answer 6

Okay Than you so much Dyiliq!

Answer 7

Wait what would I move around to make it bounce?

Answer 8

Instead of saying "The person I chose..."
try opening up with her name. Or open up with your most prominent reason for being motivated to write about her.

Answer 9

"Maya Angelou, yadadada tada dabada dada, so I'm going to write a short article/essay in her memory/honor"

Answer 10

or something to that tune.

Answer 11

oh like Maya Angelou is what I decided to wite a topic on ..... and revise the rest of the paragraph to make it flow?

Answer 12

Yeah, you don't have to start with her name, but you should never include a reference to the paper you're writing in the paper you're writing.

Answer 13

What do mean not to include a "reference to the paper"?

Answer 14

Unless it is to conclude her honors and mentions. Bring your readers attention to your topic before you let them know that it is in fact a "topic"....They should be seeing your descriptions and musings in their mind before they visualize you sitting at your computer writing.

Answer 15

Would this be okay

Maya Angelou is the person I choose to do a topic on, because she inspires me and I admire her. Her work of “I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings” and one of her many poems that I fnd inspirational “Phenomenal Woman”.

Answer 16

The words, "do a topic on," are so gaudy and shortcoming of what a true dedication deserves, don't you think? To put it another way, try not to make any reference to the "topic" or the fact that you are writing about her. She isn't a topic, she is a person. A person who inspires and influences you.

I apologize, :D but I'm about to walk you through writing a phenomenal paper with your own short paragraph here. If you'd like a less professional edge, I'll be happy to feign interest and edit your paragraph grammatically.

But this subject of study is the one I REALLY excel in, and these are the things I love to do.

Answer 17

Maya Angelou has inspired me in a thousand ways....
Let me count the ways; one-onethousand, two-onethousand, three-onethousand......etc

Answer 18

No go ahead this is awesome, I'm thankful for all the help. I can get.!!!!!

Answer 19

That last example is just my way of avoiding the seemingly obligatory "topic sentence", where I'm sure your instructors have told you "This is where you let people know what you are writing about"

Answer 20

You don't have to actually use the words "paper" "About" "topic" "writing", and I discourage you from using them, because you want your readers to be thinking about her when they hear/read this. Not you.

Answer 21

Maya Angelou is the person that I admire and choose to do research on

Answer 22

As soon as they hear about you, approximately half of their interest goes flying off somewhere else. Not because of you personally, but just because. It's like, a law or something.

Answer 23

Maybe you can retain some of that attention by bringing it to one or two of the highlights of WHY you are writing about this person.

Answer 24

Could you give me an example please?

Answer 25

Did you miss my last one? I'll come up with another...
Another way to capture your readers would be to include them.
"Have you ever heard of Maya Angelou? Many have not, so I feel I should share how this person has affected me. Details, examples, stories, some history, yadadababadadaba"

Answer 26

Oh okay I get it sorry I'm a little slow with english (:

Answer 27

Don't be sorry, I don't even know who this person is, so I'm that much more engaged.

Answer 28

Besides, sorry is one hell of a way to be, isn't it?

Answer 29

Haha yeah

Answer 30

Whenever you're ready to move to the next sentence, let me know :D

Answer 31

Okay ready

Answer 32

"She writes such great books and poetry that will move you and she is inspirational how she over comes her fear of talking with the help of people , who then urge her to write. "

Read this one aloud, and tell me if you have to take another breath before you're done.

Answer 33

yeah I do have to take a few breathes

Answer 34

@imalinguist is writing a novel for you lol

Answer 35

Ok, that tells you something... I think we can make this into two sentences.

Answer 36

okay I'm working on something hold let me copy it

Answer 37

I see "inspirational" "books" "poetry" "fear of talking" "people helping" "people urging" up there... I think I got em all.

What I've got in quotation marks there is what I call "subject matter"

Answer 38

I use subject matter to solidify/deflate my paragraphs and sentences. Each component is relevant to the subject, or relevant to something that is relevant to the subject, so each component can be moved around wherever you want.

Answer 39

Keep that in mind.

Answer 40

Oh okay like this paragraph

Maya Angelou is the person I admire and choose to do research on. She inspires me with her work of “I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings” and one of her many poems that I find inspirational “Phenomenal Woman”. I think the way she sees her poetry "at once the use of language and music"; which is saying her poetry is meant to be heard aloud and with use of refrains, rhymes and assonance. Her tone is optimistic, with themes that deal with overcoming challenges, specifically those of racism and poverty.

Answer 41

That second sentence needs revising, but I'd like to get rid of that word choose....you wanna make it sound like there IS no other choice. "the person I admire and delight in researching."

Answer 42

okay but overall its better then what I had before?

Answer 43

Tutu, I'm sure by now you have figured out the awesome skill level of @Dyiliq :-)

I'm goin to put, side-by-side your points & dyiliq's points, so you can see the difference.
Don't worry about being what you call "slow at english" . . . .it's a process for everyone, okay. You will get it. The speed in which you get there does not matter. :-)

Dyiliq said:
"Maya Angelou, yadadada tada dabada dada, so I'm going to write a short article/essay in her memory/honor"
You said:
Maya Angelou is the person that I admire and choose to do research on

I want you to look at the differences in these sentences. Notice the words that are used & the point of view (meaning whether "I" was used or "her", "she", etc . . .

Here are two very important pieces of advice from Dyiliq:
1.
You don't have to actually use the words "paper" "About" "topic" "writing", and I discourage you from using them,
2.
Instead of saying "The person I chose..."
try opening up with her name. Or open up with your most prominent reason for being motivated to write about her.

Dyiliq is trying to tell you that you don't have to announce that you are writing a paper. Your reader is now holding in it in their hands - the reader already knows you've written a paper. :-)
Example:
Maya Angelou has won admiration of many readers and people needing inspiration and it is now time to recognize her achievements. The novels and poetry in her collections speak volumes about her personal strength as a person and a writer. She is an inspiration through the way she overcomes her fear of talking . . . . .

There is another example . ... ... just so you can see the difference. Heck, Dyiliq may just have to critique my sentence there as well.

I hope this helps you focus in. I know it can be a lot of information all at once. You're doing great.

Answer 44

Oh yeah, way better. It takes me right to where the second sentence loses me, and then picks me back up with the third sentence and carries me through to a beautiful connection to P2.

Answer 45

@Dyiliq cannot wait to read anything by Maya Angelou and @imalinguist also highly recommends her writings

Answer 46

@Tutu55 my last replay was for you. @imalinguist thank you for input!

Answer 47

Wow thank you" imalinguist " and " dyiliq" I'm getting a better understanding

Answer 48

Now for that second sentence....
"I think the way she sees her poetry "at once the use of language and music"; which is saying her poetry is meant to be heard aloud and with use of refrains, rhymes and assonance."

Answer 49

I'd make the first part entirely a direct quote. "Poetry is, at once, the use of language and music."

Answer 50

And a second sentence for the description.

Answer 51

That brings you to a nicely rounded introductory paragraph, with four beautifully synthesized sentences leading smoothly into a body paragraph.

Answer 52

Maya Angelou is the person I admire and choose to do research on. She inspires me with her work of “I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings” and one of her many poems that I find inspirational “Phenomenal Woman”. "Poetry is ,at once the use of language and music"; which is saying her poetry is meant to be heard aloud and with use of refrains, rhymes and assonance. Her tone is optimistic, with themes that deal with overcoming challenges, specifically those of racism and poverty, I would think the way she sees her poetry and her writings.


revised a little better

Answer 53

(I'm gonna take you through this mentally first, to hammer out the basics of adding "bounce" to your paper. Then we will go through and correct the aesthetic mistakes :))

Answer 54

Okay

Answer 55

Perhaps there is a bit of a fishtail on the end there....A fifth sentence is what I see.

Answer 56

so get rid of the last sentence

Answer 57

No, you don't need to.

Answer 58

Then revise it ?

Answer 59

I only discouraged the avoidance of highlighting yourself in your topic sentence. It's still good to come around and hint to the reader "yeah, I feel this, and this is how I feel"

Answer 60

Try turning that fish tail into a better-structured fifth sentence.

Answer 61

"At least this is what I imagine is the way she sees her own writings"
""This is how I think she views her writings"

Answer 62

That sounds alot better when reading, it has this flow now.

Answer 63

Know what I do when I have to add a few more sentence for how I "Preliminary ideas about potential resources you will use to gather information"

Answer 64

The way it is now?
Read the last sentence aloud, and let me know when you take another breath. That's where we'll put a period.
"...specifically those of racism and poverty. *fifth sentence*"

Answer 65

".....racism and poverty*PERIOD*"

Answer 66

Okay Period no comma

Answer 67

Do this, and the paragraph is perfect, aside from the grammatical discrepancies.

Answer 68

Haha could you correct those?

Answer 69

More information is then welcomed into a body paragraph by the closing sentence of the intro paragraph.

Answer 70

We will get to the grammar. More important is the bounce. If you have the bounce, you don't need grammar, in most situations.

Answer 71

Oh okay i get it now

Answer 72

@Tutu55 you can continue with the next paragraph if you like.

Answer 73

No its okay I get it now but Thank you so much for the help it was very helpful @Dyiliq!!!!

Answer 74

You should put that in a testimonial for me, I don't have one of those yet :D

Answer 75

How do I do that ?

Answer 76

hover your mouse over my name or picture, and a popup will appear.