Question

[Quick Medal!]
Student vs Teacher
Help me out fellow writers. Help me prove my point.
I am currently arguing that the way I have my sentence written is not wrong, it is stylistics. My teacher however, defines it as wrong.
You decide.

[My version]
My first time I was nervous, my second time I was nervous, my third time I was eager, and by the fourth time, I was happy to get paid.

[Teacher's Edit]
I was nervous my first time. By my third, I was eager. And by the fourth, I was happy.

My argument is that there is nothing grammatically wrong about my version, perhaps it is long and 'could' be shortened, but that is purely a matter of style. I would agree that his version is more "to the point" but I say that it's not worth taking a point off. To each is own when it comes to how to tell the story.

Who is right?

Answer 1

Okay, you made an accurate assessment of yourself by saying that your version could be shortened. I think that your teacher might want you to convey your thoughts more accurately. I could understand what you said in your version of the sentence, but you did use the word "my" three times. That is a bit excessive. I really don't want to say this, but your teacher is right.

Sources: Having a High School English teacher who is nice.

Answer 2

I agree, but could it be deemed 'stylistics' or is excessive excessive and that's that?

Answer 3

Excessive is excessive is my opinion. :) Good luck with your studies!

Answer 4

It is a grammar problem and a style problem. Your version is not grammatically correct, because you do not use a preposition to start your prepositional phrase "my first time," etc. Notice that your teacher added "by," but you could also use "on," "during," "before," "after," etc. Notice, also, that your teacher added a comma after "And by the fourth" to designate it as a prepositional phrase.

If you wanted to make your sentence grammatically correct (without resorting to your teacher's style), you could write:

"During my first time, I was nervous, during my second time, I was nervous, by my third time, I was eager, and by the fourth time, I was happy to get paid."

But, as was pointed out, this isn't very easy to read and has stylistic issues (e.g. lots of confusing commas). I don't think that you necessarily have to write it exactly as she does, but her sentence is better both grammatically and stylistically.