Question

What is love?

Answer 1

I've read a book called "Emotions Revealed," by Paul Ekman.
Paul Ekman is a psychologist who specializes in human emotion.

In this book, he tells us that love involves "long term commitments [and] intense attachments to a specific other person."

And it's important to understand that love, in this definition, is NOT an emotion.

Emotions are brief psychological and physiological experiences.

There isn't an emotion that can last across an entire lifetime.
They come and go, you know?
They're transient.

Love, on the other hand, CAN last across an entire lifetime.
It's an attachment.

Love involves not one, but MANY emotions.
And it affects the ways that our minds perceive, and react to the world around us.

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Paul Ekman does mention that some people think of love as "a brief, momentary surge of extreme pleasure and engagement with the loved one."

The key work here is "momentary."
It is BRIEF.
Transient.
Temporary.

Paul Ekman uses this definition to define "bliss,"
which is an emotion.

But if we use this definition to define love,
then love can be considered an emotion.

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I've given you a little bit of the scientific background behind "love."

But it goes so much deeper than this.

How do you define "love"?

Answer 2

Why do we love?

Answer 3

Can I ask you why you want to know?

Answer 4

Just curious.

Answer 5

I've gotta go now, but I'll come back and talk about it later.

Since you're just curious, we can discuss this. One on one.

These are pretty abstract questions.

"What is love?"
"Why do we love?"

Answer 6

Okay. Thanks.

Answer 7

You're a college student, right?

Answer 8

Yes.

Answer 9

Are you taking any psych classes?

Answer 10

Not this year.

Answer 11

Alright.

So yeah, maybe you could think about my first question?
How would you define love?

I'll come back later. We can pick up from there if you like.

Answer 12

That sounds great.

Answer 13

Well I mean there is at least a biological explanation for love.

Our prehistoric ancestors were more likely to survive, if they have loving relationships with other people.

When we love someone, and that person loves us,
then we have a special kind of relationship. One that's built on trust and caring.

Our prehistoric ancestors were more likely to survive, and have children,
if they had someone who they could trust. Someone who was watching their back, helping them find ways to survive.

Parents whose brains are capable of developing loving relationships
are more likely to have children who are similar.

So HOW would you define love?

Answer 14

I don't really have an explanation for love. Like you said our prehistoric ancestors were more likely to survive, if they have loving relationships with other people. They felt love when they knew that they did not have to watch their back all the time. And that makes sense.

How does attraction work in comparison to love?

Answer 15

What do you think?

I mean if you're curious, you must have given it some thought.

If you haven't given it any thought, tell me what you think anyway.
How is attraction different from love?

You're in college.
And this sounds like a college question.
One that would come up in a class.

Answer 16

Well I would say that attraction is a brief experience. Is it a brief experience of love? Or is it something different entirely? There is that feeling you get when you want to be with your friends. That should be the same feeling of love, right? When you are with your friend you don't feel like you have to keep watching your back. But there is a difference between that and when you see a beautiful woman and you are just in awe. So what is that difference?

Answer 17

I'm flattered that you're using my lingo.

And you have a point -- sometimes, attraction is brief.

And there is a difference between the feeling when we're with friends we love,
and the feeling we get, when we see a beautiful person.

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We can consider Paul Ekman's definition of love --
it's a long term commitment, and an intense emotional attachment.

A "long term commitment" is the intention of maintaining a close and intimate relationship with another person.
Our purpose is to always be there for the person who we love.

An "intense emotional attachment" is like...interpersonal dependence.
In a way, the person who we love affects our happiness.
We WANT to be with this person.
We DEPEND on them, to help us and guide us, in times when we need them.
We know that it would be difficult to live without this person.

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Now,
when we see another person, such as a beautiful woman,
and we believe that they are attractive,
well...that's an example of "attraction."

So....how is attraction different from love?

Does attraction necessarily involve "long term commitment"?

Do we need to have an "intense attachment" to another person,
in order to be attracted to them?

Answer 18

Alright so love is long term and intimate, and attraction is usually short term. So let's say you see someone that you have never met before and you find to be attractive. And you are so attracted to them that it hurts inside. What is this feeling? Why do you sometimes get it just from looking a someone? And why does it usually happen when you see someone that you have never met before?

Answer 19

I know exactly the kind of pain that you're talking about.

And I don't know FOR SURE why it happens,
but I've got a guess.

The pain is sadness.

Remember how I said that our prehistoric ancestors were more likely to survive, and pass on their genes, if they were capable of love?

Well, for that reason, love is a biological drive.

What I mean is that our brains are hard-wired to seek love,
and form intimate bonds.

In a way, we humans were born to love.

We inherited our genes from ancestors who sought intimacy.
And so we, similarly, seek intimacy.
It's in our biology.

I do believe that when we see someone attractive,
and we feel pain,
the pain is our natural desire to form a connection that we desperately want, but do not have.

We, as a human species, all yearn to love, and be loved.

But individually, some of us want this close connection more than other people.
And so, some of us are more vulnerable to this sort of pain.

The pain is sadness.
And we feel it because we see some sort of potential for an intimate connection that we want, but do not have.

This feeling, like you said, can happen when we see someone we've never met before.
But I do believe that we can also feel it with someone who we have already met.