Question

Critique my writing, please? Thanks so much! Don't be easy on me, I want to really improve.

Answer 1

Peyton gazed out the window, watching the only father she’d ever known speed away in his blue mustang. The pale street light glistened off the broken glass lying on the sidewalk and illuminated the tears streaming down her face.
He was her uncle. He had taken her in when she was just two years old after her mother’s difficult childbirth, in which they had lost both the baby and her mother. After her mother’s death, Peyton’s father had asked her single uncle to take care of her for a season, while he healed from his beloved wife’s brutal death. That night her father ran, he ran like a scared jackrabbit, he ran himself to who knows where. Some say he ran off to Vegas, some say he drunk himself to death. All anyone knew was that no one had heard from him since that night.
All in all, Peyton’s uncle had made a pretty good father, sure he was often drunk and hit her occasionally, but he was always kind to her and spent time with her when he was sober. Peyton recalled one Sunday morning when she was thirteen. He had taken her fishing in the old creek by the church. They had sat on the old hickory tree that had fallen during one of the frequent hurricanes. Sometimes when the preacher really started going, they could hear him if the wind blew just right. Peyton had strained to hear the words of the pastor, floating on the breeze. Curiosity burned within her. Something went on in that church that left the people refreshed and full of joy. For as long as she could remember, she had searched and longed to know that same joy. He had never let her go to church. He told her that the God they worshipped was waiting for you to mess up so He could punish you. He told her that the people in the church would judge her and refuse her if she didn’t do everything just the way they wanted.
Peyton jumped at the sound of police sirens as her flashback faded into the dark and sneering night. Gooseflesh consumed her skin as two cars raced past the small doublewide, their colorful lights announcing her father’s soon doom. “He didn’t mean it.” Peyton whispered, sobs violently choking her words. “He’s just drunk. He didn’t mean to.” Peyton buried her face in her jacket. She risked a glance to the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Blood, broken glass, and beer cans collaged the sidewalk. Peyton inhaled sharply, but she couldn’t pull her eyes away. Disbelief churned inside her along with the fear that resided there.
Listening to the sirens fade, she slowly stood up and shakily walked downstairs to the spare closet as she clung to the railing. To find the old Bible that was hidden somewhere among the mess, would be a challenge. A challenge Peyton didn’t know if she could handle right now. A chest, a large oak block, peeked out from the edge of the closet. She kneeled on the floor and tugged at the chest until it freed itself. Peyton was baffled. Why had she not noticed this chest before? Peyton cautiously lifted the heavy lid. Dozens of pictures came tumbling out, along with a scarf, and a small Bible. Peyton examined the pictures. Each one held the faces of her parents and a few with her’s too.
Tears blurred her vision as she took the scarf, her mother’s name sewn into it, into her lap. She opened the dusty Bible and breathed in it’s musty scent. As Peyton held the Bible to her chest, a small, yellowed note fell out of the Bible’s aged pages. Her shaky hands picked up the note and she began to read. “Dear Peyton, I know it doesn’t look like much, but this Bible is the most valuable possession you can own. Please read it frequently and let God help you grow into the woman of God I know you are. I love you. With love, Your mother, Mary.”
Peyton was trembling heavily as she picked up the Bible and began to read the first verse her eyes met “For God so loved the world...” Her eyes couldn’t read fast enough. She read and read for hours. A warm peace melted over her like soft butter on hot potatoes. She finally had the answers she had longed for. Peyton closed the Bible, pushed the chest back into the closet, gathered up her things, and headed back up the stairs to wait for Sunday to come so she could go to church.

Answer 2

All in all. Change that it In all. Peyton was baffled.- Don't put one sentence like this in the middle of everything. Other than that I loved it. I was so wonderful and heartwarming. Keep writing stories like this. You're a very good writer.

Answer 3

Thank you so much! I didn't want to put that in there, but it was a sentence requirement for school.

Answer 4

What? That's a sentence fragment that shouldn't be there.

Answer 5

My teacher told me to place it in there. It counted as a simple sentence.

Answer 6

ohhh okay. Just out of curiosity what grade are u in?

Answer 7

10th

Answer 8

are you good in math?

Answer 9

Fairly good.

Answer 10

okay do you think you could help me with 9th grade math?

Answer 11

Probably! :)

Answer 12

ok got it

Answer 13

okay what chat u in sea

Answer 14

@JoKeR0331