Question

Poetry advice? This is kinda.... graphic? not the right word but advice?
Her
Self inflicting
Sharp knife hitting
Tears are falling
Eyes are scarring
Bright blood flowing
SMile is knowing
Hands are clenching
Stomachs are retching
Blood on her bed
Voices screaming in her head
She laughs out loud
"How would they like me now?"

Answer 1

Much better to be an upbeat poet than a beat up poet.

Answer 2

True. But to each their own. If Shakespeare was always upbeat, where would e be? :) Lol It is emotion

Answer 3

I was liking how you used alliteration through most of the poem, but don't like how you abandoned it on the last four lines. It breaks the flow.

Answer 4

I would pick another word for smile. Also stomach /is/ retching, she doesnt have more than one stomach.

Answer 5

"Stomachs are retching" is not necessarily incorrect. You assume the author is referring to him or herself in the poem. Stomachs are retching could be referring to onlookers or people arriving at the scene. That's how I interpreted it anyway.

Answer 6

Touche.

Answer 7

@jagatuba That is how I meant it, and thank you, I will try and find the flow again :)

Answer 8

One more question @aspen117 What word would you use instead of smile? Thanks!!!

Answer 9

This is one hundred percent subjective-what I would suggest instead is that you break up the poem into two parts, the first six lines primarily focusing on "her" and the rest focusing on the reaction, or onlookers as jagatuba pointed said. I say this because the first two lines are not parallel with the next four. This is what it would look like if it was:

Her self inflicting
Sharp knife hitting
(descriptor) tears falling
(descriptor) eyes scarring
Bright blood flowing
(descriptor) smile knowing

Do you see how that flows better because its all talking about one thing? This also allows you to be more creative when you're describing her "smile" because you can use an adjective. Dark grimace, sadistic grin, etc.

Answer 10

pointed out*

Answer 11

Thank you!!!

Answer 12

I hate to completely rewrite your poem, I really love the first and last two lines.

Answer 13

Its okay, I have to get better somehow

Answer 14

Well the best way is to put your work out there!

Answer 15

Exactly, Thank you it is greatly appreciated!!

Answer 16

I actually like @aspen117 suggestion. Adding the descriptors will add more depth and a certain artistic touch, like the ripples a painter might paint into a pond. I'm not sure about dividing the poem into two parts though. you'd have to play with it a bit to see if it worked. The switch could be too abrupt. Sometimes it's better to leave things in such a way as they can be interpreted differently by different readers.

Answer 17

@jagatuba Huh? What alliteration?
http://literarydevices.net/alliteration/

Do you mean the -ing ending? That would be a form of rhyme.

Answer 18

Yes I misspoke. I was at work and in a bit of a rush as you could probably tell by the typos. Poor word choices. I was grasping and probably should have used the word repetition. I am aware that 'ing' rhymes with 'ing'. lol :P

Answer 19

Another easy one to use is ed.

Never Steal a Pixie's Wine

By their fermented,
faith invented,
theft of wine maligned.

In doom cemented,
fate tormented,
woe and toil behind.

Was never prevented,
fain augmented,
acts of roil consigned.

For death presented,
fay contented,
blood and boil combined.

The Grim resented,
fake relented,
then did as designed.

Answer 20

I true rhymed a poem of about 20 lines or so using words that all rhymed with 'very'. It was not easy.

Answer 21

That is a good challenge. The one I just posted is actually following a very tight set of rules for cadence and rhyme, yet still manages to tell a story. Those sorts of challenges can be fun to meet!

Answer 22

Thanks

Answer 23

Well, we are kind of wandering off topic on you... but I hope there is something you can take away from all that.

Answer 24

Yea I did, thanks