Question

How can I make this allegory story better?

Answer 1

Allegory draft v.1
Ashely Trevino

It was a harsh winter in the small village of Ladyswood. It was 1854 when Millie was at the age of 25.

Millie had been living with her family for most of her life. Their cottage was their's exclusively. Her family consisted of 5 men and 4 women. Together they had always done what was needed to be done around their cottage and farm in a fair and equal manner. Due to the bitter winter, almost all of their crops had perished. Seeing as their crops were their main source of nutrition, they had to travel 10 miles to the nearest village that they knew of -- Ladyswood. They didn't know much of the village except they were welcoming to knew comers.

After a strenuous 5 mile walk, the family decided to stop for a rest. They settled to make their campsite for the night in an cove. The trees would protect them for the snow and wind.

"Millie and Kennard will go fetch the firewood" the Father of the family said sternly.

He did not make eye contact with the two older children because there was no need to. They always took on their responsibilities. Millie was slipping back into her fur clothes while Kennard was waiting by the tent exit, axe in hand.

Millie and Kennard and walked for a few minutes until they came unto an area of dead trees. They started to chop away. A few minutes into chopping Kennard looked at Millie, smiled and said "I'm exhausted". When Millie and Kennard stood next to each other there was a visible difference. Millie had around 2 inches on him and was visibly stronger.

She allowed him to sit and rest while she finished chopping down wood for the fire pit. When they got back they finally were able to start cooking dinner, and finally lay down for the night.

The next morning they had begun on their trek once again. They had left out of their campsite just before sunrise and arrived at the village just after sunset. When they arrived they were greeted with many smiles and handshakes. You could smell the meat cooking and feel the warmth radiating from the village centre fire pit. Millie thought she just may like it here.

The family was excited to see the new village, but exhausted from a long day of trekking with all their stuff. The village-head was leading them to their new cottage. Millie was enthralled at what she was seeing. She had never seen building so intricately built before, and when she thought of it, she had never been in a village this big before. When she looked around she did notice one thing strange in particular -- there were no women out. Only men. Some men were walking amongst themselves, or with a small group, others were flocking around the local pub, but Millie had not notice one single female out. She didn't think much of it at the time.

The next morning her and her family had gotten up early, eagerly awaiting to be shown around the village. They had made their porridge and coffee for breakfast. They had all eaten quickly as they exchanged jokes and talked about what they anticipated from their new life. At around 7:00 AM they village-head had knocked on the door. The whole family quickly grabbed their coats and gathered around the doorway. The village-head looked slightly confused and almost appalled at the family and eventually said that he was going to be showing around the men of the family only. Confused, the Millie and the other three girls stepped back. Kennard had exchanged a devilish grin at Millie before walking at the door. Millie naturally rolled her eyes at her brother's wingspaniness.

After about 30 minutes of milling around their new house, another knock came to their door. The mother answered the door to find a sweet looking woman in a bonnet smiling at them. The smiling woman had told them that she was going to be showing them around the town, and telling them what their new life will be like living in Ladyswood.

After a 30 minute grand tour of the village in totality, the smiling woman decided to take the women to the village market where they would get a complimentary lunch. They ate a variety of cheeses and dried meats. Millie had never eaten anything like it before. Curiosity overcame Millie, and she finally decided to ask the smiling women why they had been separated from the men earlier today.

The smiling woman looked dumbfounded at the immediate question, but eventually put on another one of there seemingly fake smiles.

"Well, of course you get separated! Men and woman have totally separate lives and responsibilities here in Ladyswood." she said.

None of the women in the family responded.

"Well, of the course the men will be doing more of the hunting, building around the village, and doing government work while the woman will do community cooking, learn to be a seamstress, or work out in the fields. You know, normal stuff."

Millie didn't know exactly what to say or feel. "Hah, I doubt Kennard will be pleased to hear of his new physical responsibilities" her younger sister said jokingly.

"What if I want to go hunting?" Millie asked genuinely curious.

"Woman aren't able to do any of the men's jobs. Thats why they are the men's jobs…" the smiling woman said in an almost sarcastic tone.

They family had returned to their cottage later that night. None of the family members talked that much until dinner was being served around the table.

"How long has it been this way with the men and woman separation here, father?" the youngest boy asked.

"I suppose its been this way for a long time, I suppose they don't know any different. I tried to explain how our family has been working but none of them wanted to listen. They just laughed at the idea of women doing their jobs as well as them."

The mother slammed her silverware down on the table.

"Well i just don't see how this is fair at all! I am lousy at being a seamstress and they said thats the only job I will able to obtain at my age."

"I don't see how we have any choice. This is the only village around. The living is good. We will just need to conform and get used to this way of living." the father said into his meat stew.

And so they did. The family had, eventually, comforted to the way of living. Millie had stopped hunting and chopping wood and constantly stayed in the village kitchen and in the fields. They village ordinance had ordered her to wear the average woman's outfits instead of the clothes that showed her shoulders and covered each individual legs.

The family had eventually reproduced children into the lifestyle, and the ideas in the village had never changed. Male-dominance had, of course, prevailed.

Answer 2

It's beautiful! Haven't read the whole thing yet, but awesome work! :)

Answer 3

My only criticism is that I find the sentences to be a little too cut-n-dry, I think they could flow together better, especially in the 2nd paragraph. Though I could be wrong, and it's probably part of your intentional style and tone of the work :)

Interesting concept however, I interpret it as a commentary on the oppression of women in societies and how it forces them to conform to their expectations. Well done.

Answer 4

Thank you! Ill try to work on that,i thought it was a bit cut-n-dry at the end dialouge as well. ill update when im done writing the 2nd.

Your interpretation is mostly correct, I also am trying to project that male dominance is an idea as opposed to just 'being' and 'just is'.

Answer 5

"The smiling women"
Nice.

Answer 6

hell yea

Answer 7

do i get medal now

Answer 8

I agree. @Ashleyisakitty I also think that the message could be conveyed a little more subtlety, but thats just my opinion.

Answer 9

Certainly you do. /s @ashnut

Answer 10

"... knew comers." wrong new.

Answer 11

In fact, it is one word; newcomers

Answer 12

"Some men were walking amongst themselves, or with a small group, others were flocking around the local pub, but Millie had not notice one single female out."

Eh? walking amongst themselves?

Answer 13

The concepts are clear. I would work a little on flow. It is, at times, quite blunt.

Answer 14

Pretty old assignment, lol. Thanks though ;) The spelling mistakes were embarrassing.

Answer 15

Interesting thing about the chopping wood example. Men have more strength. That is simple biology. However, that does not necessarily make them better at chopping wood. Women have more dexterity or eye hand coordination. So a women that was skilled at identifying where to chop for the most effect could easily cut as much, if not more.

Women have more trouble working in heat than men. There is a NASA study where they found that out when they were doing some extended comparisons. If I recall, it was a series of studies. It was one of the few actual differences they found.