Question

can someone please look over my essay? i really need feedback since i cannot be creative while writing. thank you!

Answer 1

sure, where's the essay?

Answer 2

This essay kind of tells my high school story (in a way) it is kind of incomplete so i only have ideas.... what I'm trying to say is that it really sucks but I'm stuck. thank you!

Answer 3

cant open it. can you post the individual pages?

Answer 4

how can i do that?

Answer 5

dont know. maybe just copy/paste what you wrote?

Answer 6

It was February 2011 when I received a letter reading “Congratulations, you have passed the cognitive test for University High School”. My eyes looked in every direction, as if wanting to find the cameras recording this prank. UHS was not on my list of “dream schools”, I would rather eat meat than go to UHS with ‘nerds’… and I am vegan!
August 15, 2011: I am thrown into UHS. I was a donkey that did not belong in a field of penguins; I sat, walked and ate alone at this new school. Only one hispanic existed in a crowd of Asians and Americans who where well aware of what to expect, while, to the Hispanic, the point of school was still of question. I felt lost and abandoned, as if falling into a deep hole and entering a new world.
August 15,2012: I never related to anyone from that school. They were smart, wealthy and had everything handed to them, while I stared without relation. My peers were the offspring of surgeons, lawyers, and anything better than a housekeeper and a carpenter, who advised and guided them with steps required for success. The accomplishments of classmates did not inspire me; instead I felt demoralized. I began to believe and confirm stereotypes; Hispanics are worthless, stupid and poor, they have a trillion family members and not one of them is successful. I found myself in an environment where everyone had a reason to feel superior, except me. The atrocious feelings of being inferior took over my persona and I become a professional at comparing myself to others; They are smart, happy, and beautiful souls that have so much going for them, and I am not. Being in a school where competition is literally tangible, I was scum. Motivation sprouted when I realized and counted my blessings. My biggest motivations were two human beings: a carpenter and a housekeeper, who once fought for a better living in order to help their children succeed and to avoid the reoccurrence of their struggles. Their education was driven more so by the dire circumstances they dealt with early in life than by strategy and careful planning. However, their precious education was enough to foster a lasting sense of faith in the transformative power of education, especially for their children. The housekeeper and the carpenter were known as “mom and dad”; they gave, but never received. Acknowledging that those two individuals willingly sacrificed an unbelievable amount, yet their children did not care to appreciate or take advantage of the opportunities handed, led me to isolation, depression, and disappointment towards myself.
Reality punched me during my third year at UHS. I realized that the benefits of outstanding grades and community involvement versus the consequences of poor grades was a topic that was very new to me, to a detriment. My parents never experienced this process so how was I expected to know things the “rich white kids” knew? They were fortunate enough to make it through high school while living in extreme poverty, So how were they expected to be able to provide expensive equipment that was necessary for UHS, or, even worse, how were they expected to understand my struggles? I did, however, have two older brothers who dragged my parents through adolescent hell with behaviors regarding drugs, bad friendships, and apathy in school, but how were they expected to guide me when they both graduated as 5th year seniors at charter schools and continued their life without care and change?
Change is the key word. I wanted change in my route and improvement where I blindly wasted time. Many factors pilled up because of the time I once wasted; Fixing past mistakes to get a better grasp on the education that was missed, while dealing with life responsibilities. It all drained me but the consequences were accepted without a complaint. Frustration and stress grabbed my throat and wouldn't let go even though I couldn't breath. I left home for almost two months, without having someone to turn to, because our economic situation, tension of an overcrowded household, and stress provided by UHS were eating me alive. My mental and physical aspects were crushed, but that time of loneliness was not used to show pity, it was used as an opportunity to figure myself and life out. “There will always be bumps in the road, one simply has to learn how to swerve carefully.”
There are additional bullets that cause frustration to get a firm grip of ones’s throat; a non-paying job that is not listed in the “extracurricular activities” section of any application, a job that is not a burden until placed in a situation where it becomes one, that job is being a personal translator loving parents. I come from a 100% Hispanic family. Hence Hispanic, their first and only language is spanish. I was called into work to translate to my parents during a parent meeting regarding college, taxes and financial tips. I was forced to translate unfamiliar points that I did not comprehend. The vital information might have been solutions to problems, but we watched it slip through our fingers. My face boiled and my pupils drowned in salty water. The hindrance was agonizing.
Switching gears:
This essay has been full of complaints and flashback stories conveying pity. However, I do not ‘hate’ my life, mistakes or background. I have learned so much valuable lessons in life by simply going along life’s flow. I am incredibly grateful for every single obstacle my family and I have stumbled upon. Failure produced experience and appreciation for every struggle and insult because it all molded me into the person I am today.My mother once said; “everything happens for a reason and everything has a solution”, and she is completely right With the experience, I do my best to guide my younger sister; she has what I wish I would've had.

Answer 7

i have no idea what those question marks are

Answer 8

haha, is this UHS in Arizona? if you dont mind me asking

Answer 9

Yes it is

Answer 10

small world. A lot of my friends went there. I got accepted, but I decided to go somewhere else.

Answer 11

and that was probably the best decision you could've made hahaha

Answer 12

First of all, your pacing is excellent. However, there's a couple of things I noticed.

The first thing I'm noticing is that the dates you have introducing paragraphs 2 and 3 seem out of place. They would have been fine (though not preferred) if you continued to introduce your paragraphs that way. I would find a way to blend them into the paragraphs a little more elegantly.

In the intro paragraph, you might want to explain to the reader why you wanted to avoid UHS. Basically, you're lacking a thesis statement. For example, based on the body paragraphs, it seems that loneliness and identity are common themes that are explored, so it would be a good idea to at least introduce them in the intro paragraph.

The paragraph beginning with There are additional bullets that cause..." has some phrasing issue, especially in the introductory sentence. clearing that up might help direct that particular paragraph in the direction you want it go since it seems a little jumbled (I'm aware this is just a rough draft and you're just getting your ideas out).

The "Switching gears:" comment I would argue is unnecessary. you can just jump into the conclusion.

Other than that, I would just keep revising.

Answer 13

I don't like penguins :p

Answer 14

ok that makes sense thank you! Also, i understand the whole thesis comment, but i was organizing this like a story (in way) so basically i don't state the "issue/argument" in the beginning...would it be better to organize it another way? Oh, and what I'm struggling with is organization as well as transitions and how to make events relate (that is my my essay sucks)
and HEY penguins are cute, its UHS that sucks!

Answer 15

Well, all serious academic essays introduce their thesis in the introduction. It's just a generally accepted way of doing of things, and it's what I would recommend considering this is an essay, and not a story. If it was a story, then it would be fine.

also, penguins are forced to wear a tuxedo all their life. they have no style!

Answer 16

oh ok, i understand. thanks a lot! You are so helpful!!
ALSO, that is because we are just SO classy! we don't want to wear anything else that can possible make us look "non-classsy".... sorry to break it to ya!

Answer 17

lol

Answer 18

are you a junior, or a senior?

Answer 19

I am a senior

Answer 20

nice. have you applied/been accepted to any colleges?

Answer 21

I've applied to all 3 in state universities (UA, ASU, NAU) two weeks ago and now i need to apply to 3 out-of-state universities... so I'm still waiting on a response from the in-state ones. It is all so nerve-racking! any further advice?! Lol

Answer 22

I go to UA, so if you go to ASU, I'll hate u :p

Just be patient though, and try to have fun in your last year. about all you can do.