Question

Brutally honest opinions? I started writing something new tonight...but wasn't sure how well it was going. I have no real author friends so I figured I'd turn to this community. I'm in love with the first three "paragraphs" but I feel it goes downhill once I introduce the new character, Damien... Let me know.
---- (I'll post it in the comments)

Answer 1

Dust clung to her face as she rolled her violet eyes at the baseball player, wiping off the now dirty page in her notebook. She huffed, brushing her bangs away from her eyes, before looking up at the glaring face in front of her. His brown eyes held the edges of a smile that didn’t dare show on his dirt covered features. He shook his head, leaning his head closer to hers.
“This is a sporting event, love. Watch the sport, don’t write about it.” He told her, his eyes tracing down her body and back up to her eyes. She rolled her eyes again before her wit’s words fell off her cherry red lips.
“Maybe I’m writing about how much of an arrogant retriceour lead player is. You never know, love.” She spoke the last word with dripping sarcasm before tossing him a wickedly poisonous smile and returning her gaze to her notebook that sat in her lap. Just as the player leaned back, taking his hands from next to her thighs, a yell erupted from the crowd, aimed in their direction.
“Get away from her, Sean, or I’ll be forced to get my pitbull after you!” The crowd’s eyes directed to this new member as her eyes held a large smile. She got up, brushing off her jeans, setting her notebook down. She hopped off the bleachers, her new black converse hitting the wet earth and she took off running to this mystery man. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to his side and they walked back to the scene she’d fled, together.
Sean, his mouth holding a grimace, rolled his eyes when Damien came sauntering up to him, black baseball cap fitted on his black hair and a smug smirk on his face.
“Do I need to tell you again, not to touch my girlfriend?” He said as Sean paid no attention, walking off.
“Hey, get back here and fight me!” Damien yelled at his retreating back as the crowd giggled and the girl smirked, pulling Damien’s arm to the bench where’d she been before. He complied, his weight being pulled by the thin girl. He chuckled, his laugh deep but resounding, a sound to stick with you for days after you heard it. He climbed the bleachers, claiming his spot next to her on the top bench. He took her hand, lacing it with his and pulling them into his lap. Her black nail polish was chipping since she’d last painted it, her gold rings sparkling in the mid-afternoon sun. She took her hand and rummaged in his backpack, pulling out his white sunglasses, placing them over her eyes. She smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder.
“Why’d you want to come here, again?” He whispered to her, a short laugh catching onto the end of his words.
“Well, the two freaks hanging out at the social spot should scare some poor girl back to her brand new Porsche, shouldn’t it? And don’t we love seeing that?” She said back to him, her smile forming into a wry smirk, her eyes on the scene playing out in front of her.

Answer 2

it was great i loved it . keep up the good work. :)

Answer 3

Wow, that was just so amazing! You are a phenomenal writer, and I highly advise you to keep going with it. :)

Answer 4

Wow, thanks guys! I really appreciate it :)

Answer 5

Really superb!

Answer 6

wow love the expression dat tho @leahhhmorgannn

Answer 7

[it's looooong BUT I suggest you read it if you want advice- for ANY young writer]

Wattpadder?
I love your writing style (for this genre). You effectively introduce characters' personalities without listing, such as through your description, (dripping sarcasm... wickedly poisonous smile... black nail polish was chipping... gold rings...) and dialogue (...arrogant retriceour [the] lead player is). You also reveal the character's appearance subtly (rolled her violet eyes... brushing her bangs away... wit’s words fell off her cherry red lips) which, my friend, is quite a feat in comparison to the not-so-wonderful techniques of description among young writers of today.

Although the piece as a whole is rather enjoyable to read, I completely understand the qualms you have when you introduce Damien. The change in writing style is not so noticeable but the *feel[i] is almost palpable. And I'll tell you why.

You're a victim of what many young writers face- the inner debate. After years of reading and writing, I've deduced that there is your inner reader and your inner writer. You're inner writer wants what's best for the book, she/he (since you're Leah, I'll go with she) always writes to please- not the reader but the book. Your inner reader is somewhat selfish. She wants it the way she wants it. The head cheerleader must be disgraced, the bad boy must have a hard life to make up for his jerkitude, the girl must get the guy. Inner readers are often reluctant to death of a character but when it happens is overwhelmed by **'the feels' and raves about how fantastic the book is. So when there's conflict [for example, the writer wants to kill a minor-major character but the reader would be devastated; it is, however, this devastation that makes the book so fantastic] the writer must overcome the reader's desires in order for the book to flourish.

In relation to your book, you, the writer, is terribly biased. You've already decided that our Lead Girl is going to get with Sean. We see it in the arrogant air he leaves with, belittling Damien; we see it in Damien's cry for a fight, that makes him seem petty; we see it in all the laws of Wattpad cliches. NOW DON'T BE OFFENDED. There's nothing wrong with a cliche, I personally love them because it isn't about the ending, predictable or not, but what it takes to get there.

Like I said, I do love your excerpt but in order to smother that already present bias, you have to find a way for your inner writer to NOT be influenced by your inner reader. Even if you already know the ending, don't show it- you have an automatic preference for Sean induced by your inner reader's desires and your inner writer's pre-established ending.

I hope I haven't confused you with all my notions, that, by the way, aren't certified anywhere and you are very welcome to disagree with.
IF this is a Wattpad book soon to be released, I look forward to it. Send me a message on Wattpad @RayneCheck when finished.

Not-exactly but sorta Footnotes:

*feel[i]- the bracketed 'i' suggests italics because OS does not permit words to be bold, underlined or italicized.
**'the feels'- another term not certified, a sensation induced by the remembrance or reading of a book, character or occurrence in the book that overwhelms the senses; [informal] a tingly feeling in the belly, like butterflies or when you see a crush, but actually surfaces while reading or remembering a book (as defined by @Kennedii on OS/ @RayneCheck on WP).

..
Not certified in any way- just a young reader and writer with observations.

Answer 8

Thank you so much! That helps a lot - I seem to have this problem with all my books and realizing it is really going to help me. See, I was talking over the ending of this book with my friend at the same time I was writing this first part so, yeah.

Answer 9

OH MY GOSH YES!

Answer 10

Keep this up. It's extremely good. This is publishing worthy. :)

Answer 11

love the extensive vocabulary. youve got a very unique voice. i was drawn in as a reader and as a fellow writer i have absolutely no critique for you. keep going!

Answer 12

I just want to thank you all for all of your support on this. I've really never gotten feedback on my work before but, for a first time, it's so great to see such positive feedback. That really fuels my already large fire for passion of writing (if that makes sense lol)

Answer 13

I think that it was very entertaining! My attention was caught right at the beginning and retained throughout the entire excerpt. I think you're doing very well! :)

Answer 14

Yes i really like your three paragraphs, you can put this on ny times!, i bet! I know it will get famous for that.

Answer 15

I enjoyed how you showed instead of told your readers your story. You were vivid in every detail, and it definitely didn't go unnoticed. It's interesting how quickly you demonstrated the personality of each character (and so boldly at that). Needless to say, I think you have yourself a fine piece of work here. My only concern is your word choices. I feel as if you could have gone a different path (like when you explained the dirt on the lead player, or when you had someone else say “Get away from her, Sean, or I’ll be forced to get my pitbull after you!” ) with some of your wording. However, it is a marvelous work of art nonetheless and I would love to see you expand on this story.

Answer 16

@_Squish I appreciate that feedback, thank you. I thought my choice on the pitbull line sounded strange, somewhat unrealistic, but I think I wrote it because I have my own pitbull and I guess I found it...amusing to write at midnight.

And I honestly would post the rest that I've written, working with all this feedback and everything, but my computer broke... and the file is locked on my hard drive until I can retrieve it on Friday. That's a long story - I can't get my computer to boot up and, therefore, cannot access any files.

Answer 17

That doesn't sound good. One thing I would suggest to you is to try out Wattpad if you're trying to better your writing skills.

Answer 18

I do have a Wattpad, have for about a year now. I just cleared it out the other day, actually. I just really don't use it to write - I use Word and then, when I feel like it's long enough and detailed enough for Wattpad, I'll post it there.

Answer 19

Love your writing absolutely beautiful