Question

Is there any way I can expand on this?

Answer 1

The loss of breath suddenly turned into a sharp pain as I found myself gasping for breath. There was no way I could get out of this one. He was on other side of the door, calling my name. Knowing there was no possible way to hush my gasps for air, I trudged to the opposite side of the room and propped a door up against the doorknob. That should stall him for a good few minutes, I thought to myself as I looked for a hiding place. Loud bangs soon followed suit as I heard him yelling. "Chris, you're only prolonging the inevitable!" It was then that I remembered: I had my 30/30 under my bed. He kicked the door off its hinges which threw the chair to its side as he entered with his rusted machete. I already had my long rifle pointed at him by the time he entered, and he laughed hardheartedly after realizing he'd been beaten. "Oh-hoho," he said. "You thought you'd win this?" He slowly reached into his trench coat's pocket, but I didn't give him the satisfaction of a victory. I squeezed the trigger and felt the harsh kickback of my rifle as he stopped dead in his tracks from my hollow point round. I regained my balance and shot again. Bang. Bang. Bang. He stood up for a second, and fell like a lame tree. First to his knees, where I shot a final time into his chest cavity.
"This is for Abbie," I said as he took his last breath and aimed the barrel point blank at his forehead. Bang.

Answer 2

Is this the whole story or just part of it?

Answer 3

This isn't even a story, I'm just trying to expand on my writing to see if I can be clearer in some places.

Answer 4

To be honest, more is not always clearer. It gets repetitive and redundant and wordy and overpowering and I have added so many terms just to show what I mean.

If I want to explain what is wrong with adding more deedlessly, I do not need those four words. I can just say that it can become repetitive. I might even say, "When you get repetitive it can be overpowering and make it harder to understand." This uses less terms but is clear.

So just adding words is not going to always help.

Answer 5

Your writing seems all right to me. As e.mccormick said, you mustn't repeat yourself in writing, regardless of the subject, audience, etc. On the other hand, you don't want to sound blunt, either. Write the plot in a clear manner that is easy to understand, but feel free to embellish it a little and dramatize it at the right parts. (Of course, if you intend to make the story a mystery, then it's all right for you to be vague about the plot. Just don't be too vague in that your readers get confused or lose interest because they can't figure it out.)

On another note, I do have a couple of things to point out with the writing.

1. Chris seems exhausted, if not injured, at the beginning of the excerpt. How did this happen? Did the man with the hatchet do something to him beforehand, or was Chris being chased around by him up to this point?

2. You first say that Chris propped another door up against the door to his bedroom, but later on it is stated that it was a chair blocking the way of the man with the hatchet.

All in all, the excerpt was very interesting and got my attention right away. Keep it up! (^_^)

Answer 6

@e.mccormick Thank you for that. It wasn't that I was attempting to be repetitive, more so trying to create imagery. I suppose I need to cut back on it.

@Seira-kun Yep.. Seems that I made a typo with the whole "blocking the door with another door" thing. Proofreading is something I should invest in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯